Don’t Have a CIO Panic Attack
Every few months somebody throws out a fiercely alarming article about how cry it out will permanently damage your child. The latest one caught my attention because it was featured on Yahoo’s home page. And given that zillions of people read Yahoo it’s probably going to freak a lot of people out.
Stupid Yahoo.
The Yahoo article is actually sourcing an even more alarming article from Psychology Today. Although I felt obligated to link to it I’m telling you, DON’T READ IT. Also while the title “Psychology Today” may sound like an academic journal, it isn’t. This is a magazine, just like People and Us Weekly, that needs headlines that will get people to buy the magazine.
Please don’t read it.
The Bottom Line on CIO
There is no research that suggests that CIO will permanently harm your child.
The research about attachment disorders are all based on severe cases “predominantly in infants who are abused or neglected.”
My readers are not abusing or neglecting their children.
You are here because you love your children and are concerned about meeting their very real and critical needs for healthy sleep. You are concerned and caring people. The studies that these articles cite are are NOT talking about YOU.
The cortisol conundrum.
These articles invariably come to the conclusion that stressed or crying baby brains produce cortisol, a stress hormone that in large quantities can damage neurons. You know what else results in babies producing large amounts of cortisol? Sleep deprivation. Sadly I have yet to find a study that compares cortisol production during crying to that of sleep deprivation.
3 days vs. 3 years
CIO if done well, takes about 3 days. Chronic sleep deprivation goes on forever. So even if crying produces more cortisol than sleep deprivation, there is NO way that crying for a few days produces more cortisol than years of chronic sleep deprivation.
Tired babies cry more.
Want to reduce the amount your child cries? Help them sleep better.
Attachment parenting starts with YOU.
Even if you’re a huge proponent of attachment parenting, being physically and emotionally available for your children requires that YOU are physically and emotional strong. When you’re beaten down via exhaustion YOUR ability to nurture and connect with your children is vastly diminished. So helping everybody sleep better is a critical foundation to enable parents to be emotionally connected and supportive of their children.
Parents who are looking for answers to improve their children’s sleep are fundamentally plugged into what is REALLY important for the health and well-being of their kids. They don’t need to be freaked out by these alarmist articles that cite research that is based on EXTREME neglect. Frankly the whole thing is bullshit. We’re raising a nation of chronically sleep deprived kids and the bigger narrative should be focused on how we’re going to fix this problem instead of needlessly scaring concerned parents who are trying to make a positive change in their family’s sleep.
Thus endeth the CIO rant.
Kristin on 
Kristi on 
Jaimie on 
Patsy on
I read that article, because I am stupid. I *know* CIO was a wonderful thing for each of my kids. It was very hard but so wonderful and beneficial. After reading it I felt like a failure, and even an abusive parent. My kids are very happy, well adapted, loving kids that know I love them very much. They trust me above all others. And in many other areas I do practice AP. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not the worst parent ever.
And THAT right there is why these articles annoy me so much (and it’s not just this one – they come out ever month or so). It’s that they make good parents feel bad. And it’s just NOT TRUE!
Alexis recently posted..Too Young to Cry it Out?
I’m glad there are insightful bloggers like you to help straighten the facts out concerning this topic. It’s unfortunate how media could mislead and cause panic, even worse when what they’re saying were not supported by legitimate research or findings. It’s important for parents to widen their scope, to read the pros as well as the cons, especially when it comes to various methods of parenting.
Sweaty recently posted..The Truth About My Father
Well they’re not lying – I mean the research does say that prolonged crying leads to attachment disorders. But they’re not telling you the whole story, which is that in the study “prolonged crying” means “months of neglect” (think Russian orphanage horror show). However that isn’t mentioned so parents who let their baby cry for 45 minutes one time read the article and are then convinced that they’ve done irreparable harm to their beloved. But they haven’t. So it’s all just sad. And unnecessary.
Alexis recently posted..Safe Baby Sleep or Hatchet Job?
A-to the-MEN, sister. Saw an article citing the Psychology Today article on The Stir, and you wouldn’t (or would) believe the number of people spouting off about how CIO parenting = bad mommy and daddy. Puh-lease. Thanks for sharing your ideas here. It’s nice to have someone counter the alarmists.
Laura recently posted..Ghosts of Blogging Past
I used to jump in on those sort of comment threads hoping to offer an alternative view or at least raise some key facts for discussion. Then I learned that doing so just gets you flamed in a big way so I steer clear of the raging anti-CIO crowd now. Frankly they scare me
Alexis recently posted..Are You Making these Baby Sleep Mistakes?
You really don’t have to listen too much with these studies as it will confuse you on how to raise your baby properly. Crying is normal and so is sleeping. If you have nurtured your baby well then there is really nothing to worry about.
I wish everybody thought like you do. The Yahoo article alone had THOUSANDS of comments most of which were pretty fiercely on the “only bad Mommies do this” side of things.
Alexis recently posted..Is Cry it Out the Answer?
I agree with Dianne. A good Mom should know what’s best for her baby. There is really nothing to worry about unless you neglect basic things like attention and time spent for your baby. A good cry and a good sleep will do well in the growth of the baby.
Inna recently posted..How To Attract Women
You sound so reasonable. And yet SO many people are SO filled with angst over this whole thing. I hope more parents are taking the more pragmatic view that you have
Alexis recently posted..What to Do About Infant Reflux?
WOO-HOOO!!!!! Yes to everything! Oh, you know what else sleep- deprivation leads to? misdiagnosing kids with ADHD because they’re too sleep deprived to focus properly in school. Also, a break-down in immune functioning that eventually can lead to all kinds of immune disorders, like cardiovascular disease. Also, depression and other mental health disorders. Also, appetite regulation problems. The list goes on and on. Three days of teaching them how to attain the most basic of needs is basically one of the most important things you can do to keep your child physically and emotionally healthy.
Kid Id recently posted..My Son, the Party Planner
Have you read NurtureShock (chapter: The Lost Hour of Sleep?)? Chronic sleep deprivation makes your kids fat, sad, and stupid. Good times.
But as new parents I feel like we’re so sidetracked on issues like which baby food to start for solids and if our sippy cup is right. I’m not trying to make fun of people’s sippy cup angst but honestly I feel like all these parenting books/magazines are sending people off on baby-care goose chases when really there are only like 3 things you need to care about as a parent.
Alexis recently posted..What to Do About Infant Reflux?
Kind of reminds me of a recent story my friend told me about her sister-in-law who was completely obsessing over exactly what foods her son ate (too much bread, not enough peas, needs more chicken, etc.) but totally ignoring his obvious speech delay despite concerns expressed by several people including the pediatrician!
(dofollow)
Kid Id recently posted..My Son, the Party Planner
Ooof. Is that the thing were people obsess over problems they feel they control because the really big scary problems are simply too overwhelming to be dealt with?
Personally I don’t get the “ignore the pediatrician” thing. Either a) you should pay attention to your pediatrician or b) your pediatrician is an idiot and it’s time to find a new pediatrician.
ps. My pediatrician is not an idiot
Alexis recently posted..A Pediatrician Weighs in on Infant Reflux
Alexis – there was kind of a funny article in the Journal on Valentine’s Day. Someone went back through the recommended amount of sleep for kids since 1897 and found that “children haven’t been getting the recommended hours of shuteye for at least a century”. Interestingly, they also found that while the recommended amount of sleep has been decreasing over the past century, the amount by which kids are sleep deprived is the same: “Children sleep about 70 minutes less than they did a century ago. Recommendations, meanwhile, have fallen by a similar amount, according to the study.”
Of course, the “study” is not exactly well controlled, so you might not want to draw a lot of conclusions. But — and especially since — it’s the Journal, you get the feeling like they are a little skeptical about the whole sleep deprivation thing.
In case you want to check it out, the article is called, “Challenging 100 Years of Sleep Guidelines for Children”
Hey Matt,
Thanks so much for sharing this! Got husband to get me the initial study too. Actually will probably post about it but from what I can gather people USED to suggest ideal amounts of sleep based on whatever number they pulled out of their butt.
Modern suggestions are based more closely on science – decreased test scores, cortisol levels in the brain, etc. And the 10 year study by the NIH on kids and sleep seemed to strongly suggest that we’re not getting enough. So I can’t comment on how much sleep Victorian kids needed vs. were getting. But most modern kids aren’t getting enough.
Check this out:
http://nymag.com/news/features/38951/index1.html
About older kids but really compelling.
Good times.
Alexis recently posted..Getting Medicine Into Your Baby
Haven’t had a chance to read the article yet, but I hope they don’t say anything bad about eating Coco Puffs in front of the television. (Though I would suggest that it’s better to put the milk back in the fridge between bowls.)
P.S. I’m not surprised the Victorians were pulling stuff out of their butts — I didn’t think they were supposed to talk about it, though.
Ha! Did you take Sex and Death at CMU? 50% of that class discussed all the strange things Victorians were doing. Which is one of the many reasons I give thanks to not have been alive during the Victorian age.
Uh, I didn’t really experience much of either of those things at CMU so the class probably seemed pointless
It’s definitely better you were born in this age — I’m pretty sure there was no Spartan Beast for women in the late 1890′s (or, per Freud, it would have meant a very different thing… and still nothing good for women).
I cannot agree you more about this subject!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO glad I found your blogs! I will start the CIO with my stubborn 9-month old tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Thank you Alexis, I am having personal issues with starting my almost 8 month old on CIO. I am a huge softy and hate to put her through it but both she and I are about to go off the deep end if something doesn’t change. I work full time and having a baby next to me all night nursing/sleeping is slowly destroying me. I have read too many articles about how CIO is damaging to the child but my inner self tells me that it is ok and to do it!! I have a two week break over christmas and I plan on doing it then, when I have a chance to breathe…. Thank you for the information and support!!!
Hi Sarah, I felt the same about CIO. I was DEEPLY opposed and got angry at anyone who even hinted that I ought to try it. But ultimately when my son was about the same age as yours, my inner self started telling me he was really suffering for his inability to fall asleep on his own and helping him learn was in his best interests. This blog helped me feel confident that I could do it well and ultimately have less crying and frustration for him. I’m not going to lie, it was HARD for me, but it worked very well and I have no doubt it was the right choice for my baby.
My only big mistake was failing to FULLY separate nursing from putting in the crib. I believe this mistake caused a few regressions in the month or 2 following the initial CIO. So I strongly encourage you to make very sure you have a 20 minute gap in there when you start putting him down fully awake.
Hope it helps to hear a little from the other side! My son is as sweet and loving and firmly attached as ever, and bedtime is now a pleasant experience for him and for me. Good luck!
Thank you Kate, your response is very helpful!! I have heard of the timing between putting baby in crib and nursing and have started to define that even now, so I will keep up with that. I am so happy CIO worked for you and am hoping the same for us!
30 minutes!!!!! She only cried for 30 minutes and really the last 10 were more of grumblings and then BAM asleep!!! Honestly, I actually don’t really know what to do with myself. That should be your next topic Alexis…. What to do once your baby isn’t attached to your boob and sucking your life out of you all night”. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!
Well my favorite nighttime activity when not working as a human pacifier is to enjoy a nice glass of wine and some Game of Thrones, but I assume you were thinking of something actually productive?
Congrats on the great outcome, taking the plunge, and making the right decision for your family. Nobody ever sets out to end up in cryitoutsville but sometimes you just need to admit that despite ALL YOUR BEST EFFORTS, it’s where you are.
Alexis recently posted..Her Story, Your Story, A Study in Sleep Training Part I
Ok one more post…..last night went pretty well in my opinion…asleep at 8:30pm after 30 min of crying/grumbling, awake at 11pm for nursing, awake again at 3am for nursing then awake at 6am for nursing/wake up. This pretty much coincides with her nursing schedule when we were co-sleeping. My question now is how do I approach naps when she was already taking 1-2 hour naps. Do I do what had been done in the past with nursing\singing to sleep or try the CIO for naps as well? Just a bit confused as her naps were already good. Thanks so much!!! Oh and baby is almost 8 months. I do work full time and we got in to the routine of nursing at night since she refused to eat while I was gone during the day.
Well if naps ARE good, what about leaving well enough alone? I mean you have nap CIO in your back pocket in case things STOP being good. But if you can nurse her to sleep and he happily sleeps for 2 hours, then CIO isn’t really going to fix anything, right?
Alexis recently posted..Her Story, Your Story, A Study in Sleep Training Part I
What if CIO doesn’t even work? Both of my kids (2.5 and 10 months) would cry on and off for hours, and if they would eventually fall asleep, then they would back up crying 1-2 hours later, all night long.
Any suggestions?
Did you try total extinction method? How long did you try it for? Did you nurse close to bedtime or have any other timed sleep devices? Do they have reflux? Too hot/cold/teething?
Sorry for all the questions, but I too often wonder what would happen if CIO didn’t work for our 6.5 month old, or any future children down the line…
Keely,
In my experience no – there is always some small (or sometimes large) misstep that is throwing you off. Kristen throws out a bunch below. Check the post I link to here for a great example (the follow up post is coming which explains what their small misstep was and what happened when they made a tiny change).
Read all the stuff here: http://www.troublesometots.com/cry-it-out/
Perhaps you can diagnose the issue yourself?
Alexis recently posted..Her Story, Your Story, A Study in Sleep Training Part I
Thanks for the notes and support – I’ll keep reading and learning. My now 2.5 year old had about 6 months (12-18 months) where we would do bedtime routine (diaper, PJs, book, rock to sleepy, lay in bed) where he would have to cry it out 3-5+ times per night, every night. We never went in, but watched the video monitor) – he would wake up and cry for 15-60+ minutes every 2-4 hours all night long. Around 18 months he slept through the night for the very first time, but would still wake up often and most nights until a few months ago. Now, he sleeps all night without waking up and calling for us 4/5 nights.
My 10.5 month old goes down at 8pm in his own crib, and then is up crying between 10-11, again between 1-2, again between 4-5, and is then up for the day between 5:30-6am. This was worse until a few months ago, but this is the standard every night now.
I do not go in for the first wake-up, and I did two weeks of not going in for the third wake-up either, but every night for 14 nights he just cried non stop or off-and-on from 4-6.
So now I go in for the second and third wake-ups – I feed him and put him back down.
I wanted to feed him once per night until he was a year old (and then give it two weeks where I don’t go in at all), but I’m not sure I can make it another month. Plus, what the heck do I do if that doesn’t work? It didn’t work for my (now) 2.5 year old – he spent six months waking up 1-5+ times per night every night. He would cry every time for 5-30+ minutes every time, fall asleep, and then wake up again 1-4 hours later.
Sorry for the long post – wanted to give background.
Hey Keely,
So your now 2.5 YO would wake up and cry for 15-60 minutes, 4X a night EVERY night? That is “not typical” at all. And as it’s water under the bridge we have to let it go and just enjoy the fact that it doesn’t happen anymore. But I have to wonder why that happened?
I mean that’s totally typical to happen for 1-2 weeks post rough-CIO. But I’m gathering that this was happening ALL the time for months and months yes?
Anyhoo for some mysterious reason that we’ll never really know you had a horrible time with baby #1. Now baby #2 is on the scene so it’s totally reasonable for you to be anxious about it. Who wouldn’t be!
So 10 month old cries 3 hours a night every night and has for MONTHS? And things used to be WORSE?
Are you putting him down awake or nursing to sleep? Are you nursing NEAR bedtime? I hope the answers to both of these questions is a resounding NO!
What happens if you go in and feed him? Does he eat happily and go right back to sleep?
Listen I have to wonder if there isn’t something else going on here. Babies are mysterious and sadly they never TELL you what is going on. But I’ll throw out some options for you to noodle on.
1) Is there any possibility he’s legitimately hungry? Check the post below and see if that sounds familiar at all.
2) Is there any reason he would have a hard time sleeping without your help? Tummy issues? Dairy intolerance? Something small that could be a source of discomfort?
3) Do you sometimes go to him and sometimes not? Has he learned to keep crying because sometimes this works? Not judging – LOTS of people do this – but it results and lots and lots of crying.
If it were me and I was facing hours of crying every night for MONTHS I might try something new. If you feed him and he goes right down without an issue what if you set an alarm and go feed him (dreamfeed) BEFORE he wakes up. If you do that does he NOT wake up?
If so I would start there (you’re up anyway might as WELL feed him) and then try to gradually wean the dreamfeeds. See if that doesn’t make some headway without so much crying. Yes?
Alexis recently posted..Why Night Weaning Isn’t Working
OK, so just focusing on the 10.5 month old – he is not up for an hour each time, he just has a wakeup during that hour timeframe:
He goes down (falls asleep) between 7:30pm – 8:00pm each night. Basically, I change his diaper, then put on PJs, then we read a book (I Love You Through and Through), then I nurse/rock him for about 15 minutes, then lay him in his crib sleepy (occasionally asleep) and walk away. The 4/5 nights that he is sleepy, not asleep, he immediately stands up and starts crying, but falls asleep within 15 minutes.
Then, he has his first wakeup between 10-11pm, and I do not go in. He cries for 5-15 minutes, then falls back asleep.
His second wakeup is between 1-2am, and I go in and feed him – I take him out of his crib, then nurse/rock him about 10 minutes, then lay him back in his crib (he almost always falls asleep). If he is not asleep, he immediately stands up and cries, but then falls back asleep after 15 minutes or so.
His third wakeup is between 4-5 am, and I took a full two weeks (14 nights) and did not go in until 6am (his wakeup time). During those 14 nights, he would cry for 5-15 minutes, and then fall asleep for 5-15 minutes, and then wake up again and cry for 5-15 minutes, then repeat, repeat, repeat until 6am.
So, now I go in for the third wakeup, and feed him and put him back down (same exact routine as wakeup #2).
I then do not go back in until 6am (he almost never sleeps later than that).
Since birth, he takes 30 minute naps (you can use stopwatch). He takes two (and has since about 5/6 months): one in the morning in his crib or stroller (depends on if I have him or his dad), then one in the afternoon (30 minutes if in crib, 1-2 hours if on a person).
When I stopped going in for night wake-ups for my first son (at about 12 months), it took 6 months until his first wake/cry free night. I just don’t know what to do if, when I stop going in all together, the same thing happens and my second is crying it out 2-5+ times per night (for 5-15+ minutes each time).
Thanks again – this tired Mama appreciates feedback and is frustrated:)
Well I would DEFINITELY move the nursing and rocking out of your bedtime routine. Meaning nurse FIRST and then rock far less so he is more awake then not. Because what is happening is that he wakes up seeking comfort nursing. Part of this is because he’s a baby. Part of this is definitely because you’re nursing him to sleep(ish). So I would start there.
Waking up and crying for 5 minutes is no big deal. But feeding him sometimes but not others isn’t helping. Nor is nursing at bedtime, or the fact that he’s sort of nursing to sleep. So I think that starting with that separation AT bedtime will be a huge help.