How to Cry it Out: The Bedtime Edition
Well little baby, here we are. Mommy and Daddy have read every book, tried every technique, bought every sleep aid they could find. The months have slogged by and nobody is sleeping. Daddy is staring stoically out the window. Mommy is curled up on the couch wearing coffee-stained yoga pants and feeling like a giant failure. Everybody feels cranky and sad. And defeated. And the only way out of this pitt of sleep deprivation is to let you cry. They adore you beyond words, but baby, this is happening. It’s going to suck for a few days. But it really is for the best.
If you’ve come to the conclusion that cry it out is the answer(<- PLEASE read this first!) then you're going to need a CIO plan that is best suited to meet your CIO goals. And what are your CIO goals?
1) To break out of the desperate pattern of bedtime battles and frequent night wakings and get everybody sleeping a civilized amount during the night.
2) To achieve goal #1 with the minimal amount of crying.
The best way to meet your CIO goals is to embrace the 14 point CIO plan I’ve put together here.
How to do Cry it Out?
1) Buy a night vision monitor.
They’re expensive and not particularly reliable (you may have to buy a new one for each new baby). But I think it’s a worthy investment for piece of mind and would recommend purchasing one prior to CIO. It will give you a safe window onto your baby all night long.
2) Make naps happen
You want your baby well rested going into bedtime because tired babies sleep poorly. So you’re investing in day sleep to help minimize the amount of bedtime crying. Does your baby take great naps in the car? In your lap? While co-sleeping? Great! For the next few days do what you need to to get those naps to happen. By any means necessary.
3) Avoid cat naps.
Your goal is longer naps. So don’t drive to the grocery store at naptime because that 5-minute car nap is working against step #2 (above). For the next few days you are going to be the Nap Master, to the exclusion of all else.
4) Use a solid bedtime routine.
What is a SOLID bedtime routine?
- Takes 20-30 minutes to complete.
- Involves decreasing levels of activity and light. (No TV time, no dance parties, activities should be moving towards the bedroom).
- Everybody should enjoy the activities.
- Final activities take place in the location your child will be sleeping.
- Ends BEFORE baby is asleep!
What are you trying to wean your baby off of? Rocking to sleep, co-sleeping, nursing to sleep, pacifier, etc? Whatever it is DO NOT include this as part of your bedtime routine! If it must be part of the routine (ex. food) then make sure there is at least a 20 minute gap between baby’s last meal and bedtime.
5) Ensure that baby’s sleep location is ABSOLUTELY safe.
Dangling cords within reach of the crib? Unprotected outlets? The crib should be clear of any possible entrapment hazards (no stuffed animals, blankets or pillows!). The only thing in there, other than your baby, is potentially a small lovey. If your child is old enough enough to be out of a crib, put on your anal retentive hat and look at your child’s room. Does the furniture present tipover hazards? Are there toys which could break into sharp pieces? Choking hazards?
Special Case: What about Co-Sleeping?
Yes you can use CIO for a co-sleeping baby if you intend to continue co-sleeping. Most often this is used in the case where Mom wants to stop being used as a human pacifier but is happy to continue co-sleeping. This can be done but it’s challenging. You can’t leave an angry crying baby alone in an adult bed. Even if that “bed” is nothing more than a mattress on the floor. It is simply not safe and shouldn’t be done under ANY circumstance. So, where does that leave you?
If this is your goal, it leaves you IN the room with your angry crying baby. I realize this may sound like I’m joking but I assure you, I’m not. You put your child on your bed, preferably between you and the wall. Then you lie down on the bed facing away from your child. Then you bite your knuckles hard enough to keep from flipping over and nursing your crying child to sleep.
6) Use your words.
Your baby’s receptive language develops far earlier than their expressive language. This means they understand what you are saying long before they can speak themselves. “It’s time for you to sleep buddy. Mommy and Daddy love you. We’re right next door. We’ll see you with big hugs and kisses in the morning. But for now we’re going to leave so your body can get the sleep it needs to be strong and healthy. I love you little baby!” Use the same words every night as part of your bedtime routine.
7) Give baby as much soothing as possible!
For older babies (6+ months) your options are generally limited to loud white noise, block out blinds, and a small lovey. It’s sometimes helpful to have Mom stuff the lovey in her bra and wear it there all day so that it smells like Mom. If your baby is still swaddled that is also really helpful. DON’T use any sleep aids which will feed into your object permanence problem. So pacifiers, timed music, etc. are all forboden.
8) Leave the room.
There are some books that suggest that it is more gentle to stay in the room so that your loving presence can help provide helpful soothing. In my experience staying in the room has the opposite effect, making your baby more upset, “WHY AREN’T YOU PICKING ME UP! HELLO?!? I can SEE you sitting RIGHT THERE!” It also has the unintended consequence of potentially creating a new object permanence problem for you in that they will expect to see you sitting there when they wake up throughout the night. For these two reasons I suggest that once you put your baby down, you get out.
9) Mom or primary care giver should leave the house.
Decide which parent (if there are 2) is the most likely to turn into emotional jelly at the sound of their baby crying (generally this is Mom). The emotional jelly parent should get out of the house and leave things to their more stalwart counterpart. Lots of parents feel that they need to sit in the hallway, curled into a fetal position, crying tear-for-tear with their baby as some sort of penance for their failure to teach baby to fall asleep. Crying in the hallway serves no purpose other than to make you miserable. Worse, it creates the opportunity for the dark strains of guilt to muddle your thinking. “I feel horrible! Maybe I’ll just nurse him to sleep one last time?” Backsliding won’t solve any problems and even worse, guarantees you even more crying in the future. A good way to avoid backsliding is to simply leave it to your partner and get out.
10) Commit to Check and Console or Full Extinction.
Personally I recommend the Full Extinction or Weissbluth method. However as I was unable to find any research that backed up my theory that this method results in less crying, you’re welcome to consider both and determine which works best for you.
If you start the CIO process planning to Ferberize or check and console and THEN determine that your visits are making things worse, you CAN switch methods to the Weissbluth full extension method. However DO NOT switch from the Weissbluth full extension method TO Ferber or check and console as this generally leads to LOTS OF CRYING!
11) Cry it out does not mean night weaning.
IF your baby has been eating/nursing at night then you will need to feed/nurse your baby when they wake up. CIO is not a good way to cut out night feedings as hungry babies will cry A TON. If your baby had been eating at predictable times then feed your baby when they “regularly” would be eating. If your baby wakes up crying at a time other than when they would regularly eat, then I recommend you don’t go to them.
If your baby was previously sleeping glued to your boob (don’t laugh, this is a REALLY common problem) then sorting out what is a cry for attention vs. a cry for food will be challenging. You’ll need to listen to your baby and your gut and make the best determination you can. I would suggest you try to space out the feedings as best as you can. For example if you nursed your baby at 6:30 PM then I would be reluctant to offer more food before, say, 11:00 PM. If you nursed again at 11:00 PM, then potentially the next feeding could reasonably be expected to happen at 3:00 AM. However these are not hard and fast rules, listen to your gut. It’s almost always giving you good advice.
12) Put baby back down awake. Or don’t.
In my experience the key with sleep training is to put baby down awake at BEDTIME. If you feed your baby during the night AFTER that point, it is generally OK if they fall asleep in your arms and then go back into their bed. I have not found that it is critical to wake baby up enough to “put baby down awake” at 2:00 AM. However if they do not organically fall asleep during the feeding I would not encourage you to rock them to sleep in your arms intentionally and THEN put them down asleep.
13) When baby wakes up early?
CIO is very effective at bedtime because there are a number of biological factors that make it very difficult for your child to stay awake at that time. However if your baby wakes up very early in the morning (4:00 AM or 5:00 AM) letting them cry will almost never result in them falling back to sleep. If your baby wakes up very early and doesn’t seem to be falling back to sleep (it’s been longer than ~20 minutes) then it’s morning time for you. This is horrible but generally temporary. You may want to consider offering baby a quick snack, putting baby in the swing, or bringing baby back into your bed. Sometimes these options will buy everybody a few more hours or sleep. But crying is unlikely to do anything productive.
14)
If you’ve started down this path then in almost all cases the worst thing you can do is to cave in halfway through. Night #1 will be stressful for everybody. But what happens if you go to your baby to rock/nurse them after 45 minutes of crying? You’ve failed to let them figure out how to fall asleep without rocking or nursing. But you have taught them that if they cry for 45 minutes, you will come and rock or nurse the to sleep. Which means that the next time you have a go at cry it out (and trust me, there is ALMOST ALWAYS a next time) it will be longer and rougher than it is right now.
The truth is that there are a thousand frequently asked questions about CIO but I’ve narrowed it down to a few hot button questions which I’ve answered below:
Cry it Out FAQ
How long will the crying last?
I suppose “it depends” is not a particularly useful answer. If you follow all my advice then you’ll generally find that kids will cry ~1 hour at bedtime on night #1, ~20 minutes on night #2, and 10 minutes on night #3. They may continue to grumble at bedtime going forward but it will generally be only for a few minutes. Some babies will only cry at bedtime. Some will wake up periodically and cry for 20-30 minutes throughout the night. As long as you aren’t trying to night wean via CIO, the middle-of-the-night crying generally stops after night #1.
When will I be able to put my smiling baby down for sleep at bedtime?
When do you smile when scrubbing toilets? Never? Well there’s your answer. Most kids will not enjoy bedtime until they are old enough to have their OWN kids at which point it will quickly become the favorite part of their day.
Am I a bad parent?
I don’t know, are you? I don’t believe that CIO makes you a bad parent. I do believe that you have tried everything you can to avoid letting your baby cry. And that nothing worked. And nobody is sleeping. I also believe that your whole family will be happier and healthier when you are all able to get the sleep you need at night. Cry it out is a bummer and nobody likes to do it. But 3 nights of unhappy baby are a worthy tradeoff.
Can I use CIO for naps too?
That is a whole separate topic which I’ll write about in the future. I don’t recommend tackling naps until AFTER night sleep is well established. So for now, focus on getting night sleep sorted out and let things settle into a positive and predictable sleep routine before you start mucking about with naps.
Won’t they get confused if I keep (rocking, nursing, pacifier) for naps but not bedtime?
Different parts of the brain regulate day vs. night sleep so you aren’t mucking things up by rocking to sleep at naptime then using CIO at bedtime. Many people feel they need to tackle the whole day at once but I don’t recommend it. Sorting out naps tends to take a while and involve quite a bit of crying and not napping. Babies who don’t nap become overtired. Overtired babies cry at bedtime. A lot. So with the goal of minimizing crying you would work on having GREAT naps (by any means necessary) so your baby is well-rested coming into CIO bedtime. Once night sleep is well established sorting out naps becomes easier (because well-rested babies sleep better), which is why I recommend focusing on night sleep FIRST before moving on to nap battles.
If I can’t use CIO to night wean, how DO I get out of night feedings?
Once you are done with crying at bedtime and things have become a bit more predictable, you can use these gentle night weaning techniques to gradually get out of night feedings. The bad news is that depending on the age of your child and the # of feedings this may take 1-3 weeks. The good news is that it’s surprisingly effective and tear-free.
What if my baby throws up?
Some kids can get themselves so worked up they throw up. It sucks when this happens. You’ll need to quietly go to them, clean them up and get them fresh jammies/bedding, ideally with as little light and fuss as is possible. Put them back in their bed, use your words, and leave.
Anybody have any experience they would like to share? Words of wisdom, kind advice, and lessons learned are very welcome!
Laura on 
Ali on 
Erin on
The Background:
I’m sure you get questions like this all the time, so I understand if you don’t reply to my specific issue, but I thought it was worth a try. Three weeks ago, my 7 1/2 month old previously great sleeper (ie. sleeping 12 hrs with 1-2 breastfeeds, no problems falling asleep) started waking up like clockwork, 15 minutes after being nursed to sleep (I now know that breastfeeding to sleep is likely the root of my problem). She usually goes to sleep in her swaddle blanket with a pacifier. Her 15 minute catnap left her wild and raring to go, and she takes at least an hour or two to go back to sleep, usually requiring cuddles, rocking, and maybe more nursing to get sleepy again. For the past 4 nights she has been either sick or teething (I’m not quite sure which), and has required nursing/rocking to sleep for 4-5 hours straight before she falls asleep, and she will only stay asleep in my husband or my arms. We took turns sleeping in the chair with her, since she cries and cries every time we try to put her back in her crib where she usually sleeps. Once we finally got her into her crib, she would wake up every 45-90 minutes without fail, requiring the pacifier replacement and/or cuddles and or/nursing. We have been getting about 4 hrs of sleep/night, and she is sleeping terribly too. So, I’m desparate.
The Downfall:
Yesterday, since she was feeling better and had 2 great naps in the day (3hrs + 2 hrs), I figured would be a good time to go for CIO. After about 50 minutes, she fell asleep, and we got so excited to climb into bed for some rest of our own that had been robbed for the past 4 nights. But after 10 minutes, she woke up and screamed for 2 more hours… nearly THREE HOURS total. I sent my husband to put gas in my car and told him to sit in the garage in the car listening to the radio, since he is the softie and I knew that with him being stressed around me I would give in. She cried so hard she would intermittently hold her breath and gasp… for like an hour. It was total hell. But I kept looking at the screenshot on your website that said “Don’t Give Up”, and stuck with it. She finally fell asleep. After that, she still woke up about every 90 minutes to 2 hrs, very upset every time.
The Aftermath:
I awoke feeling emotionally drained. My husband (who spends the day with her while I work) said that she is like a zombie, not smiling or happy like she ALWAYS is. I’m sure it’s not because she’s “mad” at me, but because she is just tired. I honestly feel the same way she does. Can you please offer insight and/or encouragement and/or advice?
Christy,
It’s hard to answer your question because I feel like there is a lot of things going on here. I mean I can’t help but wonder – what was going on for those 2 nights where she wasn’t sleeping? Was there some root mystery there and if so is there anyway to figure out what it was? I’m wondering about ear infections?
Then she had to have been MAJORLY sleep deprived if she missed 4-5 hours of sleep those nights. That’s a pretty substantial sleep debt that I would suggest would take at least a week to catch up on.
So the “mystery” problem and the sleep debt were both working against you. Which probably makes you feel horrible but it really shouldn’t. There are CONSTANTLY things going on with babies and MOST are mysterious. Trying to find the “perfect” time is all but impossible. Many MANY parents have struggled in the same way you have.
Why she is a zombie today? Because she’s significantly sleep deprived. Fullstop. It’s not because she hates you.
But yeah last night was pretty horrible.
Still (and keep in mind that I’m not you and I’m not there) I’m leaning towards sticking with it. Almost always night #2 is a HUGE improvement over night #1. So if you go with the “worst is behind you” theory, that would be my call.
Caveat: Unless you think that she might have an ear infection or some other odd medical thing that is tripping you up. But that’s pretty rare so I wouldn’t go racing to the ER because it’s pretty unlikely.
Alexis recently posted..Eat Play Sleep Fail
First of all, thank you so much for your generosity of time to respond to my post… you are incredibly kind! She did see the doctor yesterday morning who said she did NOT have an ear infection, and that it was either something viral or teething. However, since she was basically back to normal throughout the day, I assumed we were past the illness and thought it would be a good time to start CIO… yet the timing may still have been too soon. I guess my biggest question is what to do after she goes to sleep the first time. Last night, after falling asleep she still woke frequently, and was VERY upset each time. Will that just eventually end and improve, or is there something else I should do for those other wakenings? It was as if she was feeling scared and abandoned whenever she was awake, remembering those long 3 hours… or probably just compounded sleep deprivation? Seriously, thank you.
Horrendous sleep deprivation is my guess. Try to feed her close-ish to when she normally feeds but don’t let her cry and THEN feed her. SO if she wakes up you either go in and feed her ASAP or you don’t. I’m not promising tonight will be a rose garden. I am promising it will be much better than LAST night. Let us know what happens – OK?
Alexis recently posted..Eat Play Sleep Fail
So here’s how night #2 went:
-Went to bed swaddled with no pacifier. Cried for 45 minutes, fell asleep – relief…
-10 minutes later, crying again
-After 30 minutes, I unswaddled her and gave her the pacifier, fell asleep almost immediately
-After 20 minutes, crying again
-Cried almost continually for another 2 hours. Attempted pacifier, but to no avail. This off/on crying/screaming lasted around 4 hours total from beginning to end. I don’t think she was hungry, since she ate a lot before bedtime.
-Woke up about an hour after all the crying stopped, breastfed. She then slept 6 hours and we woke her at her normal time. We wanted to keep her normal routine and naps through the day. She looks jetlagged!
Possible multiple issues that we are dealing with:
- Attempting sleep without the swaddle was a first last night. However, since she would flip onto her stomach repeatedly while swaddle the first night, we decided we were uncomfortable with the safety aspect. For her nap today, I tried swaddling one arm only but she wouldn’t fall asleep, so in an effort to give her some sanity, I swaddled her completely and she fell right asleep for a 2 1/2 hr nap.
-She normally falls asleep with a pacifier. When she cries herself to sleep, the pacifier is obviously not in her mouth, so that’s new too. However, we are now in a rut where she seems to need it to fall asleep.
-Possible/likely teething – no teeth yet, but I think it’s going to be very soon
Do we ditch swaddle and pacifier for nighttime right now and just go for it, cold turkey? The sleep deprivation is extreme, and I feel like she needs to catch up on some sleep, big time, but I’m not sure of the best way to do that.
The swaddle is a HUGE bummer. It may help slightly to swaddle her body if not her arms. If she were a tad younger I would advocate for swaddling and strapping her into a non-moving swing. If that’s a possibility maybe you consider it?
Just a thought – if you suspect the pacifier is part of the problem (and I think it is) then don’t bring it back at night. I know it’s a mess and I know this is not going as you would hope. But don’t mix signals – if this is our “break out of the paci” project then commit to that.
Sorry – I wish I had a magic fixit for you
Alexis recently posted..Eat Play Sleep Fail
Night #3: I feel hope.
We put her to bed 1 hour earlier than usual since all her sleepy signs were there. She fell asleep unswaddled, sans pacifier almost instantly, with the ensuing pattern: sleep 45 minutes, cry 30 minutes, sleep 30 minutes, cry 20 minutes, sleep 30 minutes, cry 15 minutes, and then she was done = about 3 hours from first lying down to staying asleep. She was able to put herself to sleep each time, but had difficulty STAYING asleep, I think because the swaddle was gone. Still, there is hope, and we will continue down this road…
My biggest question at this point is, do we take away the swaddle/pacifier for naps also? Her naps have never been an issue, and in fact she naps WONDERFULLY. She doesn’t flip over so safety with the swaddle isn’t an issue, and always sleeps well for solid chunks of time. We love the pacifier for naps and car rides. If we are removing it for bedtime, do we have to remove it in other areas of her life? Is it ok to treat naps differently than bedtime?
Update: We just finished night 11 of operation CIO (with varying degrees of hell), and the last two nights have been extremely hopeful. We’ve only had 30 seconds of fussing when she initially lays down… and that’s it. It hasn’t gone on long enough to declare victory, but hopefully the trend continues! I’m beginning to believe in this, and ultimately I think my daughter is going to be a much better sleeper!
Just wanted to get some inspiration i guess you’d call it. I saw Christy’s post and was a little nervous. My daughter is 8 months old almost 9, and she is attached so much to her pacifier which i know is my fault. She usually goes to sleep around 10pm sleeps until 4:30am-5:00am then i give her her pacifier and she goes back to bed until 6am or 7am. I give her a bottle and then she goes back to sleep until 10am. The last week she’s had a cold/teething and has been doing horrible at night. I’ll put her to bed the same time but she’ll only sleep a couple of hours sometimes less before she wakes up for her pacifier. Usually that works, but now she’ll wake when it falls out which is every 15 minutes. Plus i’m 23 weeks pregnant which was a big surprise and im a young mom. I’ve been getting 4-5 hours on a good night and am exhausted and don’t know what else to do.
I feel my only option left is the CIO. The thing that concerns me is that she is a very stubborn child, and im certain she’ll take hours to fall asleep on her own and that she’ll cry throughout the entire night and not get any sleep.
Possibly. But I doubt it. Christy had a rough go – no doubt. And that does happen but it’s definitely not the norm.
Also? You just can’t afford to screw around with this because YOU HAVE ANOTHER BABY COMING. Seriously – when baby #2 shows up you’re going to join the tribe of “2 under 2″ and they will all tell you that getting #1 to sleep is going to be critical to your sanity.
I would definitely consider making changes now because the truth is, you’re in the homestretch so waiting isn’t really an option for you. Also (you didn’t ask but I’m here so) her sleep is shifted. Not a critical issue in general as she’s getting 12 hours of sleep but it’s happening at a less-ideal time. That is something you might want to chip away at before the new baby comes. Also most babies have an easier time when their “night” lines up with dark and their “day” lines up with sunlight so things might generally go better if you gradually worked her back to more of a 8:00 – 8:00 plan.
Good luck with EVERYTHING – I know you have so much on your plate right now that it’s probably overwhelming. But you are not alone in the “2 under 2″ tribe. They made it and you will too
Alexis recently posted..Eat Play Sleep Fail
Thank you so much for the reply. I’m gonna give it a go and hope for the best. I also heard that cutting off the tip of the pacifier works, but idk. I would think she would just get mad and cry for a new one. What are your thoughts on that.
I was also curious about how i go about the pacifier the next day. The night i start CIO do i then stop using the pacifier all together the next day?
I have the same question, Megyn. We took the pacifier away from our five and a half month old two nights ago and I just haven’t let him have it since then. It’s really a bummer at nap time, though, as he seems to need even more soothing for nap time than for falling asleep at night. Will it ruin the work we’ve done so far if I let him use the pacifier sometimes and just not at night?
Jen
Hi Jen and Megyn,
I too had this question and Alexis replied to me on a different post. Apparently babies use different parts of their brains for naps and nighttime sleep, so it is okay to use the pacifier for naps (or whenever) while weaning off it at night. I was able to wean my daughter from the pacifier for night sleep but not naps. However, I think that continuing to use the pacifier for naps can lead to short napping, but it hasn’t been a problem for me yet. It amazes me that my daughter is totally cool with going down at night with no paci, but wouldn’t dream of taking a nap without one. I am just doing what I have to to keep naps in check so bedtime goes well. Hope this helps and good luck!
Thanks for your response, Natalie! I literally just ran in and gave the pacifier to my screaming baby! His naps have always sucked, so they’re certainly not going to get worse. I just want to make sure he’s somewhat well rested for the night sleep as well.
Thanks!
Jen
Thank you also. The first day she did great without without her pacifier for nap time. Then the next day i had a doctors apt. so my mom watched he and she napped on people throughout the morning and when it was time to go down for a nap in her play pen she refused to sleep. I hoping it was just because she slept throughout the day and bc she was not in her own bed. Since i would like to get her off the paci completely. I’m trying day 3 without paci for nap, so we’ll see how it goes.
My husband and I are planning on sleep training our 4 month year old this Friday and of course sticking with it as long as it takes. I have just realized that our whole bedtime routine is bad for sleep training – basically we end with the bottle, then burp (where he gets very worked up bc he hates burping) and then I nurse him to sleep. Is it too late to change our routine to bottle, bath, books if we still plan on starting this Friday? I feel like I’m in a total catch 22. I want him to start off the sleep training well rested, but I can’t get him to sleep if he’s not nursed to sleep. What can I do?!
. Very nervous about the whole thing…
Hi Laura,
I’m no expert, but I would say you should go ahead and change up the routine now rather than later. You may need to do some other kind of extra soothing, but there’s going to be crying anyway if you’re doing CIO. Out of curiosity, why are you doing CIO now? Is your baby waking up all night? Alexis recommends waiting until six months to do CIO although I know Weissbluth says four months (and my pediatrician too). I’m just wondering if there’s some “problem” you’re using CIO to address? Otherwise, sleep training doesn’t necessarily have to mean letting the baby cry.
Good luck!
Jen
Help. I feel like a terrible parent. We did a modified cry-it-out for our 8 month old son about a month ago, and life was wonderful for a few weeks (we did a combination of shushing/patting that we slooowly weaned away from). After a few weeks, he was able to happily go down in his crib, babble for a little bit and then put himself to sleep.
Ever since he learned how to stand up, though, now it’s a different story. For the last four nights, he immediately gets into a standing position after a very soothing, very well established (like 4 months of the same routine) bedtime routine, and screams his head off for 15 to 30 minutes, until he finally goes to sleep. It’s awful. After reading all the research on the dangers of crying it out, I’m terrified that we are going to do real damage to him. Can you help, please? Should we go back to staying in the room and shushing, then slowly phasing that out – the same way we initially did sleep training? or will this pass?
You’re doing amazing! You’re trying to give your son sleep which is what he needs. Check out this article http://www.troublesometots.com/pediatrics-cry-it-out-study/ to calm your fears about CIO. Honestly, 15-30 minutes is not bad. With my now 10 month old son, my husband will go in and lay him back down and pat his back if he stands up for more than 10 minutes. We did it a couple of times, and he hasn’t stood up in the crib since. This too shall pass!
I’ve been working on CIO for a little over a month an have never gotten solid, consistent results. We tried CIO after trying everything else to no avail. The first night of CIO was HORRIBLE! The second night was great; so was the third. Then we got into this situation where she will cry 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes… Depends on the night how long she cries. There have even been a few occasions where she’ll cry for half an hour! Those nights I do go to her and we sit in the dark and read and are generally quiet until she seems ready to try bed again (okay, this only happened once earlier this week).
I don’t go in and check on her. I play loud white noise right by her head. She doesn’t like to be swaddled so that option’s out. She’s 9 1/2 months old.
Anyway, we do all the things you suggest such as a nightly bedtime routine that doesn’t include food. Except the bath. She doesnt like to sit in the bath so we dont do baths other than bath nights. The routine is consistent, including her bed time. She even sleeps through the night once she’s asleep! It’s just the getting her to sleep.
My in-laws say she’s a great mapper during the day. Both morning and afternoon nap. They give her a bottle then put her to bed and she goes to sleep without a fuss. When we first started CIO I would give her a bottle in bed but it was a HORRIBLE idea so that was quickly discontinued.
Therefore, what am I doing wrong?
Babies are notoriously inconsistent
. Maybe it’s teething keeping her up longer on those nights that she cries for 30 minutes? I would strongly encourage not going in at all, even when she cries for 30 minutes. You going in might be prolonging the inconsistency. At 9 1/2 months, she wants your company and if she figures out it takes 30 minutes of crying to get you to come in she’ll keep it up.
I’m in zombie mom mode the past week or so. My lo who is almost 4 months has been waking practically every hour for the past 2 weeks! He used to sleep from about 10:30-2:30, up for a feeding and then back down and slept until around 6:30-7am. But for the past 2 weeks he has been waking up almost every hour after putting him down! He won’t go back to sleep unless I pick him up and hold him. He won’t even take naps unless I hold him. I thought he was too young for CIO but I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do! I don’t mind being up for the middle of the might feeding its just all the other hours of crying, then holding that are wearing me down! He sleeps in a pack n play next to my bed but I want to start transitioning him into his room & crib but with his current sleep issues I don’t know what to do! If anyone has any advice I would greatly greatly appreciate it!!
Could it be the dreaded 4 month sleep regression?
http://www.troublesometots.com/the-thing-about-sleep-regressions/
I am throwing in the towel. After 17 nights of attempting to sleep train it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. We did Ferber Method for 7 days… then full on Extinction Method for 10 days. Baby is still crying bloody murder. He is almost 7 months old. I followed the CIO 14 point plan to a T.
CYI hasn’t worked for us in the past. Currently our little bundle is 7.5 months and getting no better at sleep. I tried CIO for 2 solid weeks. He can cry, hysterically, for 3 hours. At that point I feed him, he falls asleep, and put him to bed. So my question is – how long do you let the baby cry it out? Three hours seemed to be my limit, and yet it did absolutely no good towards the goal of getting him to put himself to sleep.
Hi — I have a question about something that is not really covered here — hourly wakeups all night long, NOT connected to night weaning, AFTER bedtime CIO has worked. We did bedtime CIO successfully starting about a week ago. My nearly-6-month-old had previously been going to sleep at 7 (nursed/ jiggled/patted to sleep) and waking at around 11 and 3 to nurse, then sleeping until 7AM. The first two nights went well — Night 1, ~1 hour crying, then a single wakeup to nurse around 2, Night 2, ~20 minutes crying and wakeups to nurse at 12 and 5, Night 3, no crying and wakeups at 11 and 4. On Nights 4-7 everything went to heck. He goes down ok now, with little to no crying, just a bit of grumbling, but for the past three nights he is up at 11 to eat and never really settles after that. He is up at 1, 2, and 3 – fussing/crying for 10-30 minutes each time until I feed him at 3, then he is up again at 4 and 5. We are not trying to night wean, but following your advice to feed him only at his regular feeding times (around 11-12 and around 3) and letting him CIO the other times. The problem is that he is starting to wake up at non-eating times MORE often rather than less. Have you addressed this here? All I can find is the comment above that “Some will wake up periodically and cry for 20-30 minutes throughout the night. As long as you aren’t trying to night wean via CIO, the middle-of-the-night crying generally stops after night #1.” I wish this were true but it doesn’t seem to be working for us! Any suggestions?
I just wanted to offer one possibility here- your baby might be going through the 6 month regression… unrelated to your CIO success, just bad timing for you!! At this time they really are hungry, so if it is that then you just need to feed them…. sleep tends to go completely out of whack during regressions. Just a thought… good luck!
Yes, I was thinking about a possible other explanation, and this fits the bill — and he’s sitting up this week, and also started occasionally sleeping on his belly at daycare -so maybe a developmental thing? Thanks for the input!
Yep – I’m going to go with the 6 month growth spurt too. It’s all but impossible to find “the ideal time” to sleep train babies (growth spurts, teething, illness, etc.) But 4 and 6 months are REALLY common times for growth spurts so I’m guessing he’s actually hungry.
This doesn’t stop BTW – my kindergardener just ate a cheeseburger the size of his body. In a few days I’ll likely notice that all his pants are too short. At least when they’re older all the food is consumed during daylight hours
Alexis recently posted..Eat Play Sleep Fail
My daughter will be 4 months this week and we want to try cry it out as we are still bouncing her to sleep. My question is, she is still swaddled. Can you do CIO on a swaddled baby or do we need to wean the swaddle before we start? I have tried to put her to sleep unswaddled, she just startles herself awake.
Hi, I have a question. My 9 month old was doing great with the whole CIO and then the last couple days she’s been waking up around 5:30-6. Could it be teething or just a phase that won’t last.
Hi Meg I haven’t got an answer but I thought I’d let you know we have the same issue and you’re not alone! He wakes between 5 and 6 no matter what and then we bring him in to bed to try get an extra hour. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I have systematically tried every suggestion going (earlier bedtime, push the first nap later slightly, shorten the first nap, dark room, white noise and more) but he still wakes up. I know for a fact he isn’t ready to get up because when he sleeps until 7am (after his 5-6am wake up and we bring him in to bed) he more content and naps better in the day.
Sorry for the rant, what I’m trying to get at is I’m not sure there is an answer. Maybe try some of the above suggestions. But you may just need to ride it out. And you’re not alone, it really sucks!
Thank you for responding, its nice to know its not just my baby. It’s exhausting, especially because when she’s had enough sleep and is ready to get up for the day she’ll wake up talking where as now she wakes up after 8 hours and cries when she wakes up. So I’m not sure what’s going on and I hope it doesn’t last. I liked when she slept 12 hours.
My son has been a terrible sleeper from day 1, and we are now 11 months. A good night for us is 4 hr sleep intervals. We do a bedtime routine and he goes to bed just fine. However the last week he has been waking up and not going back to sleep. After a feed he is very sleepy and is now beginning to toss and turn in my arms so I go to lay him down and he startles awake, stands, and begins to scream. We only feed 2x per night and cry at all other awakenings for at least 20 minutes; we have gone 1+hour at times. He used to go down after feed, but now he is not. I have tried to keep laying him back down for 30 minutes, but he does not give up and continually stands right back up. I have tried letting him cry, but it continues and gets louder and louder. I am not sure what to do. If this is separation related, how do i handle CIO without him feeling abandoned/alone? We do have separation issues at daycare drop off which have been ongoing since 9 months.
Hi Alexis
You mentioned that you might write about naps soon – did you ever get round to doing it (can’t find anything on the site)? My 4.5 month old is beginning to settle in her cot for bedtime sleep – at the moment, I jiggle and shush her to sleep in her cot and I think I’m close to where I can just leave her to doze off (she then sleeps about 11 hours) but we have a major battle every time I put her down for a nap. She will not go down without screaming – needs to be loudly shushed and jiggled and, when she finally nods off, is barely napping for 30 mins at a time. She hates being even taken into the nursery and put on her change mat as she knows this might mean naptime. At the moment, I’m not sure how we can resolve this, we do the whole routine thing, sleeping blanket (she used to be swaddled but then spent half the night trying to get out of it), curtains, lullabies, bunny) and it just makes her fight even more! I’m beginning to think CIO is the answer because we seem to go through a small version of this every naptime anyway and a few days crying will be worth it if she can teach herself to sleep than all the prolonged crying over the longterm (of course would wait until she’s old enough). Would be great to get your thoughts on this.
Thanks!
Thank you for your excellent blog. My first daughter was a CIO dream. However I am having unique problems with my second. She is 7 months. She easily puts herself to sleep at both naps and bedtime with about 1 minute of crying/whimpering. This took only a couple days of CIO with progressive waiting. I will get a sleep through the night about once a week. The other nights are often disasters. She will wake anywhere between midnight and 4am. I try to leave her. But she gets more and more agitated and it can last easily an hour. She isn’t hungry- often only takes about an ounce when I do try. Last night she was awake from 11:30-2am with attempts at progressive waiting. I’m at my wits end! Should I just hold her back to sleep during these night wakings? It is certainly the easiest route. The CIO does not seem to be effective during the middle of the night wakings.
I should add this has been going on over a month and a half since we dropped night feedings.
I am so ready to try CIO! However, I’m a little unsure of how to proceed in my situation. My dd is nearly 12 months. She’s on a good schedule, and goes down for her naps perfectly. (Uses a pacifier, but I just drop her in the crib & leave.) At bedtime, though, I have to hold her (with the paci) until she’s asleep and GENTLY lay her down. She wakes up 1.5-2 hours later, at which point I take her into bed with me (in her room) and nurse her to sleep. We sleep together then – with her waking up 3-5 times a night, on no real schedule, and me nursing her back to sleep every time. (She won’t have anything to do with a pacifier during the night.)
She hasn’t nursed in the daytime in 3 months – she doesn’t even take a bottle anymore. So, I don’t think she’s getting much milk at night. Its just a sleep crutch.
I’m prepared to let her CIO at bedtime, but what do I do throughout the night? Should I let her cry every time she wakes up – right from the start? Or, should I get the bedtime routine down; and later work on cutting out the comfort nursing? Or, vice versa? (I read the section on night weaning, but since she’s not getting any food, and has no set times, I wasn’t successful with it. If I stop nursing her at any point before she’s back asleep, she wakes up and cries.)
Frankly, we got into this state because I REALLY love sleep – and this routine has allowed me to stay well rested ever since she was born. I’m likely to cave on any plan that leaves me sleep deprived for long; and my resistance is pretty low at 3 am.
Thanks so much for this site! It has great content and an awesome writing style. Even if I can’t get an answer to my specific situation – I feel so much better prepared after reading your articles.
If you’re really sure that she’s not getting any milk (or hardly any) then I would say that nursing is off the table at night. Because what you’re telling me (yes?) is that she isn’t really nursing. She’s sucking on you. So you would follow the same advice as somebody who has a pacifier issues.
Also is your goal to have her in HER bed? So you’ve got two issues – putting her down AT bedtime without holding her OR the paci. Then you’ll have the challenge of getting her to STAY in her bed when she wakes up 2 hours later.
I won’t lie to you – I suspect the first 2 nights are going to be ugly. However Her waking up 4-6X a night (starting just 1.5 hours after bedtime) is ALSO ugly. So you could look at CIO as short-run ugly to break out of long-term ugly.
Just think about it like a pacifier – if you’re going to ditch the pacifier, you’re DONE with it. You don’t wait till midnight then offer the pacifier. It’s off the table. Only in your scenario the pacifier = “your boobs.” Make sense?
Alexis recently posted..Eat Play Sleep Fail
We did it! And it went SO WELL. I can’t believe how well it went. The first night, she cried for an hour, slept for an hour, cried for 30 minutes, then slept through the night with only a few 2 minute spells of crying. The second night: 30 minutes of crying, then slept thru. The past two nights, less than 2 minutes of crying – then slept for 11 hours.
I am amazed by two things: how quickly my baby learns (she is brilliant!); and how much this site helped. I read all of the books, perused every Web site; none of them were this useful. Something about your style, and all the good information, really helped me get my act together on this (after months of waffling.)
CIO has turned out to be such a positive experience for us. It has shown me I can be tough when it benefits my child, and she has learned to work through a problem on her own. Now, we have time to cuddle and read and sing; since I’m not hurrying through those in order to have time to coax her to sleep. And I have gained back a ton of time for my older child, my husband, and myself.
I can’t thank you enough for providing this resource, and answering my post last week. I’m not sure what caused you to create this site – and I’m sure its a ton of work. So, I want to make sure you know your effort has made a real difference in my family, in a lot of ways. You rock! Thank you!!
Okay. I might be alone on this one. But I have just turned two year old that we are unable to get to sleep on his own and then he wakes up at least once in the middle of the night screaming his head off, and then he’s up at around 4 am every day. Not well rested, and super cranky until his nap. For his nap, we have to a movie (I know, I hate it, but it’s been the only way I could get him to take a nap for a long while now.) Bedtime has a solid routine of dinner, bath, pjs, story. But then one of us had to stay in with him until he falls asleep, usually an hour.
We did CIO when he was a year, and had success. Then had to do it again at least 3x. About a month before we had our new baby, this started again. But the screaming tantrums are significantly worse.
Is 2 too late to try again? Please help! NO ONE is getting any sleep now, and it’s just no good!
Thank you so much for any advice you can offer me
Will my baby ever go to bed at night and not cry for 15-20 minutes before settling and falling asleep?
OK – we started CIO tonight. We went with Ferber and I left the soother in (will remove tomorrow night but I couldn’t do both on the first night). She took 50 minutes to fall asleep, and if I’m honest the crying wasn’t as bad as I’d expected, but I expect tomorrow to be worse. I have a few questions for either Alexis or anyone who has done this successfully.
I know you say that if they wake in the middle of the night do what it takes to get them to sleep. In fact it was reading this that made me realise I could do CIO. I am at my weakest after 130am and CANNOT do this then. However, if she wakes say before midnight do I start the whole thing again?
If I remove the soother tomorrow should i remove it for good, for the whole day. Has anyone any success in keeping it for day time emergencies – car journeys etc?
Is there an average, anecdotal I would imagine, time go get to sleep and days spent doing it?
Hey Patsy,
I’m so glad that things weren’t as bad as you expected (I’ll take that as high praise
.
But I’m not sure if I’m saying “do what you need to” in the middle of the night. I AM saying that i your baby is using to eating at night then expect to feed her at night at some point. Don’t ask her to go cold turkey because that will lead to many tears (hers and yours).
Nor am I entirely thinking that keeping the soother is necessarily a good idea. Because the soother is likely to fall out no? I mean some babies are masterful about keeping it IN their mouths all night. But most aren’t.
Have you read this?
http://www.troublesometots.com/how-to-use-and-loose-the-pacifier/
If she falls asleep WITH the pacifier and your in all night replacing the pacifier then I almost wonder what you’re really accomplishing?
If you want to use it for naps then go for it. But I’m wondering if it might be better to get rid of it at bedtime?
Alexis recently posted..Everything You Ever Hoped to Know About Swaddle Blankets
Sorry – didn’t really mean “whatever it takes” I guess what I mean is you can do CIO for bedtime but you don’t need to do it in the middle of the night to be successful. I initially thought to go down this route you’d be doing it 2-3 times a night to begin with, or have a got this wrong.
Last night she fell asleep on her own for the first time in over a month but I had to go in around 3 times when she was whingey/whiney. The room seemed cold so putting on more blankets seemed to work one of the times but then I gave in and gave the paci back.
Day 2 will involve going cold turkey on the paci although my husband thinks it’s unfair to remove both me and the paci at the same time.
Thanks for your help.
4 days in and she cried for 6 minutes tonight and yesterday before falling asleep. She is now awake for the 4th time 4 hours later and very whiney. She’s 2 teeth just about up come up and is super clingy. I think it’s a Wonder Week leap as its very similar behaviour as at 4 months sleep regression.
Suspect shell be in our bed before midnight.
Back to the drawing board in s few dsys
I’ve had some moderate success with the Ferber method on my 6-month old. From waking up more than 5x a night, she is
now down to waking up 3x a night. Her bed time is 6-6:30pm. The first two wake ups are pretty easy – I nurse her and then she goes right back to her crib with very minimal fussing. My problem now is that ever since we started, she has been waking up at 4 am and it takes about an hour to get her back to sleep. I tried letting her cry it out (before I saw this article) but it did not work at all. I know she’s
not hungry, because tonight for example, I had just fed her at 3 am. I do get her to go back to sleep by nursing her longer, but what is the best way to deal with this? I don’t mind a 6 am wake up but 4 am is just too early!
I am having the EXACT same issue (my son will be 6 months in about a week)!!! My LO goes down a little later than yours (around 7:30 though) but still he is waking around 4 a.m. and will not go back to sleep. I’ve tried letting him CIO, nursing him and then putting him back down, just bringing him into bed with me (he won’t fall back asleep at the breast at this point) but nothing works. He is wanting to be up and ready for the day at 4:00 a.m. NOT AN OPTION! Not sure what to do about this. We also are still eating about 3x a night (although for at least one of the feedings he just sucks for a minute or two and falls asleep so I know he doesn’t really NEED to wake up at that time but he still does). His naps stink too (about 45 min., 3x a day, on a good day). Please help with ideas to combat the 4 AM wake-ups. It stinks!!!
I dont know if you have any advice for me bc my daughter is much older than all the babies of the previous commenters.. She is 2.5.. Ill give you our background.. (Sorry in advance for the novel im about to write.)
She started sleeping through the night (10-12 hours) around 4 months old. I would rock and sing songs then put her down awake and she would coo until she drifted off. I felt like the luckiest mother on the planet! Then after her first b-day she started having a fit at bedtime and she temporarily slept in my bed (approx. a month) She moved so much in her sleep that i wasnt getting very much sleep and so she went back to her crib and i let her CIO. The first night she whined for about 15-20 min and that was it. That was the only night she actually cried. I noticed that every few months she would either wake in the middle of the night or not go down at bedtime and id have to let her cry for a few minutes to get back on track.
My daughter is very tall so a month before she turned 2 she started climbing into and out of the crib on her own. (kill me) i honestly feel that 2 is wayyyy too young for a big kid bed, but what choice did i have? So we set up a twin bed for her. The first few weeks were ok, id lay beside her bed until she was sleepy, then say i had to pee and leave and come back in 5 min, then 10 min, then not at all. Within a few days i was able to put her down and leave and she’d stay put.. Until one day she wouldnt anymore. I tried to walk her back to bed every time she got up but after doing it 437 times 3 nights in a row, i gave up and put a gate in her doorway. She cried the first night at the gate for 20-25 minutes, then slammed the door and got in her bed. She would wake at night also and cry for 10ish minutes then go back to bed. That happened about 3 or 4 nights then it stopped. Again, every once in a while she would wake at night and would have to cry a little to “re-set” herself. Then one night she jumped the gate and i was at a loss.. She would still temporarily go to bed without a problem but when she woke at night she’d jump the gate and come in my bed. I was afraid she’d get hurt doing that so i eventually caved and she’s been in my bed again for approx. a month and a half. That brings us to today..
We bought a much taller gate to try and start this thing all over again but im not so sure this isnt going to scar her for life now that shes so old. The pediatrician says its fine but im so torn.
That’s our story.. Sorry again for the length of this post. Any advice/help you could offer to me would be so greatly appreciated. You are the bomb digity sleep trainer ive been told and was given your blog address by multiple friends of mine! Thank you in advance for sharing your expertise!!
I’m no expert but I went through this SAME EXACT THING with my (now) 4 year old. He was a rock-star sleeper as a baby (after training) but right before 2 he started climbing out of the crib. His bedroom is upstairs and he too climbs over gates so we couldn’t even put a gate in his room or at the top of the stairs for fear he would climb over and go tumbling down. For a few days we got away with putting a child lock over the door knob on the inside of his room so he couldn’t open the door (sorry, know that probably sounds cruel but we were at our wit’s end) but then he figured out how to break that off so we were at a loss. He would go to sleep in his room (after we sat there with him forever) but then at his first wake-up was coming to crawl in our bed. We even tried locking our bedroom door and telling him calmly, “go back to your bed”, but after hearing him scream and yell at us for over 2 hours one night, I gave up. I threw a pillow on the floor of our bedroom, sternly said, “If you’re coming in my room, you’re laying on the floor here, NOT in Mommy and Daddy’s bed”. I stupidly thought he would be uncomfortable there and go back upstairs. Nope. He immediately crawled down there on the itchy carpet, no blanket, and went right to sleep. He has done that every single night, in the middle of the night (he always has to fall asleep in his bed and as he’s gotten a bit older we have gotten a clock and told him he can’t come down until the hour number says 1 or more) for the past 1.5 years or so. He never wakes us, never makes any noise, and now even sleeps through his baby brother crying most of the night in our room. So, long story short, I don’t have a great answer for this issue, just wanted to share that I’ve been there. GOOD LUCK!
Just wanted to share a CIO success story! My 8.5 month old daughter was great at going to sleep on her own (thanks to the swing method from this site) up until about a month ago. Since then, she’d been waking every 1-2 hours, crying, fighting going down, generally miserable at bedtime and throughout the night every night. We did move out of state within this time, and I think there was a sleep regression, during which I’m sure I let her fall asleep on the boob/get rocked to sleep too many times just so we could get through the move OK. Anyway- I had been trying everything to avoid CIO, but finally caved last night after we had spent 2 hours straight awake and crying the night before trying to get her to go back to sleep without nursing her or pulling her into bed with me.
I did check and console, and last night she cried for one hour to the minute, then slept from 9:30pm til about 5:30am ( a first! I dream fed her at 12:30 since she still eats at night). Tonight, she cried for about 15 minutes, and it was more of a whimper than full on cry. I’m optimistic about the rest of the night.
The whole experience has been so much easier than I thought it would be, and despite my heart breaking last night with her crying, this morning she was all smiles and giggles, and happy and well-rested.
Good luck moms- sometimes just biting the bullet and giving something a try pays off in the end!
I should say that she went back to sleep after I fed her at 5:30- but that (9:30-5:30, 7 hours) has been the longest stretch of sleep that she has ever had!