I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.
Almost every day I get an email just like this:
PS. I’m not comfortable with cry it out.
These make me want to cry too. Or have a drink. Maybe drink and cry.
There are a few things I know from reading these even though it may not be explicitly stated in the email:
Their baby is not falling asleep on their own.
It’s implied but the “wakes up all night” and “short nap” lets you know that they are dealing with an object permanence problem.
At least one parent (often both) is a total zombie.
I’ve literally worked with families who were so frustrated and tired that when I ask the how things are going they start weeping. These are people who are well and truly beat down.
Their baby is chronically sleep deprived.
I can almost guarantee that this baby is not getting enough sleep. The baby is probably fairly tired and fussy all day long. So really, nobody is really happy with the current scene.
They’ve dabbled with CIO
This is almost always the case. People don’t always admit it because they’re ashamed. Like admitting it implies that they’ve failed some crucial parenting challenge. When really all it says is that they’re struggling and aren’t sure what the right answer really is.
They’ve tried various methods to teach baby to fall asleep.
And it didn’t go smoothly. Which is how the CIO dabbling happened.
So back to the drinking and crying. Only that doesn’t get me anywhere productive so I’m back to having to figure out how to help them.
Too Big for the Swing
Generally these babies are getting too big for the swing to be an effective tool. The Graco swing does have a weight limit of 30 lbs and a 5-pt harness that can keep strong mobile babies safely locked in. For babies in the ~6 month range it might be worth a try, especially if you can borrow one for a free trial run. But at this age it’s unlikely to solve the problem.
It’s Time for CIO
My honest opinion is that the answer, even if they don’t like it, is cry it out. They can continue to all be exhausted for the next few years until their child is old enough to sit down and have a family meeting about it. Or its time to face the ugly truth that it may be time to let the baby cry.
Which is what I tell them. Putting me in the uncomfortable position of being the spokesperson for the “Pro CIO” movement. (Seriously, how did that happen? Gheesh.) I know that NOBODY WANTS to do CIO. EVERYBODY wants a better alternative. This is not a party anybody wants to go to. And frankly I don’t want to be the person who is “selling” them on the idea (honestly, I REALLY don’t). But here are the facts.
- They’ve tried everything else and it didn’t work.
- What they’re currently doing isn’t working.
- This isn’t a problem that is going to magically disappear.
- The whole family is suffering from chronic sleep deprivation.
- It’s not OK to let that continue indefinitely.
- It’s time for CIO
I’ve putt off writing in-depth about CIO because I don’t now nor have I ever wanted to be the Official CIO Ambassador. But given how often it comes up in email, it’s a topic that needs to be addressed. Posts on when, how, and what to expect with CIO are all in progress.
PS. No judging allowed. If you managed to find a path that didn’t involve CIO great! We all rejoice in your triumph. But CIO mudslinging is not allowed.
I'm Alexis and figuring out how to get your kids to sleep better is my secret superpower (I was hoping for the ability to shoot laser beams out of my eyes but c'est la vie). I swoon for pop culture references. I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am. And I believe you can never have too much wine, cheese, or Game of Thrones. 
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I stand beside you in support of CIO. It was a very difficult decision to come to with both our girls but wow – it was necessary. As parents, It is so hard to hear our little love bugs crying but sometimes it is what is needed to help the babe teach themselves how to go to sleep and how to go BACK to sleep.
Well said, Madam CIO Spokesperson.
You and I might be a bit lonely then. Was doing some research on CIO this morning and I searched for “when is the right time for CIO” – I had to go through HUNDREDS of search results (Google) that were all of the “CIO is evil!” variety before I found anything that even remotely came close to providing guidance on the topic.
*sigh*
Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.
Hi Alexis! Thank you for your website! How long should Ferberizing take? I am on day 12 and my 8 month old still cries 30 minutes HARD before falling asleep. She also cries some in the middle of night. I do dream feeds at 9 and 3. Prior to today was nursing before putting down to bed. naps have been bad (30 min of crying, 20-40 min of napping). I know CIO is bad for naps but Ferber says let them cry for 30 min. oh….and I am an attatchment parent (a failed one in the sleep area
)From 3.5-7.5 we coslept. I am feeling discouraged…I hate for her to cry but I had to get some sleep myself and also time with my husband.
Elizabeth
30 minutes is a little unusual but not totally out of bounds. This could be simply the best you can do. But I’m wondering if bedtime isn’t slightly too early/late. If you’re having a hard time getting a 3rd nap in (often a challenge at 8 months) but she is taking short naps all day it could be that she’s heading into bedtime OVER tired and that would make it hard for her to fall sleep.
So I would look at “how tired is she at bedtime” and if the answer is “too much” or “not enough” maybe you need to make some adjustments.
Good luck!
Alexis recently posted..Everything You Ever Hoped to Know About Swaddle Blankets
Thank you for your reply Alexis! I appreciate your time so very much. Bc of short naps, my baby is over-tired. That very well may be the cause of crying. When I coslept with her for naps, she took 2-3 solid naps each day. Now only 2-3 short naps (30 min). Bedtime is 530-550 and she is TIRED. I wonder if maybe I will try bedtime at 515 for a while. also, to help with exhaustion, I am considering driving her for her naps for the next few days. I worry cosleeping/nursing naps will worsen crying at night. She is tenacious (refuses bottle even when very hungry!!), but I do hope her crying will decrease at night. Thank you again for your website and your support…and your humor:-). Elizabeth
5:00 PM bedtime is WAY early. Is she sleeping till 6+? I have to believe a bedtime that early is leading to a really early morning no? And if she goes to bed at 5:00 PM and starts the day super early (4:30 AM?) then everything is shifted off course.
What about forcing a 3rd nap with a stroller ride or car ride? Doesn’t have to be long – even 15 minutes is often enough to “take the edge” off. If you can make this happen I would gradually push bedtime back to something post-6:30. See if that doesn’t solve the crying issue. Good luck!
Alexis recently posted..Everything You Ever Hoped to Know About Swaddle Blankets
Ok thanks– Will NOT make bedtime earlier and will do the car ride for third nap. Do you agree that nursing/cosleeping for naps may increase the crying at night? It would definitely get her a nap (and me a nap!) but I worry she would cry more at night. And no worries if you are not able to respond to this– I know you are busy and have already given me some great points to go on! ~Elizabeth
PS she usually sleeps in the morning until 545-645 range. She falls asleep about 6-615 at night (after 30 min of crying). Sometimes she does wake up at 520…but usually only if there is a big poo poo in her diaper…I would wake up too!
Here’s an easy question, then, but only marginally related to CIO… in that it has to do with sleeping…
So while we were doing things like letting our baby cry it out, we also had him in a pitch-black room with a sound machine generating the sound of steady rain all night. I watch him obsessively on the monitor and it bugs me to see him when he wakes up floundering around trying to find his lovey, or floundering around looking for the crib walls, or just whining and then staring blindly into the darkness hoping for a sign, reaching his arms into the darkness, etc.
My question is, when can we start using a night light and do you have any sense for how much that could (initially) be disruptive to his whole sleep routine? It sounds really trivial but, for the most part, our sleep routines are working and I’m afraid to screw anything up.
Thanks, MA
Oh Matt, do NOT get a nightlight! Seriously, they should be renamed UpAllNightLights. If you put a small light in his room you might as well drink some vampire blood as neither of you will be sleeping again.
Or you could put in a nightlight. Because nightlights are fine and aren’t going to make a difference to anybody
Alexis recently posted..Your Nemesis, The Short Nap
Wow I feel stupid posting this because I have read enough of your posts/replies to thoroughly get your sense of funny…but I’m sleep deprived so I don’t get it. As I sit in our room pumping after a marathon “getting baby back to sleep” sesh, I’m looking over at the nightlight streaming out from our bathroom and the projected rotating night sky on our ceiling above our slowly swinging baby and am wondering if this is where we’ve gone wrong. Are these nightlights a big no-no? I did go to a hell of a lot of expense putting in the most bad ass blackout curtains ever into our room, so I guess having these two light sources does kind of defeat the purpose…but honestly it never occurred to me that these two artdficial lights could be part of the problem (as well as the glow of the iPad I’m typing on right now). Again, I blame the sleep deprivation. Should I kill the lights and hide under my covers the way I used to do with my trusty flashlight and Babysitters Club book? Please advise… I’d like a serious non-contradictory answer before I attempt moving this little beast into his own room that is already equipped with a Darth Vader night light…Yeah, I know…DV might not have been the best choice. Thank you!
Sorry if my lame attempt at humor just comes off as confusing
OK so no joke…
Almost EVERYBODY has a night light in baby’s room. This is how we are able to peek in on them
And it’s totally fine to have a night light.
What you want to AVOID however is two things:
1) Anything on a timer. So if your rotating night sky runs ALL night long that’s probably just fine. If it turns off after 30 minutes you could run into object permanence problems. Make sense?
2) BRIGHT light. Because light actually disrupts our body’s ability to produce melatonin (a sleep hormone). So being in the dark actually helps you fall asleep and stay asleep. Some people, for example, try to “treat” their older children’s night fears by keeping the bedroom brightly lit all night. Which hopefully scares off the goblins but also makes it really really hard to sleep.
So if your baby’s bedroom is lit up so brightly you could easily read a novel in there, that’s probably working against you. If it’s just enough so that you can comfortably navigate without bumping into things, it’s just fine.
I doubt highly that your sleep problems are related to “too much light.” So the Darth Vadar night light is probably AOK
Alexis recently posted..Weaning Baby Off the Swing
Thanks, Alexis. After a long conversation with our faithful and amazing nurse/lactation consultant, we’re thinking Holden just might be the poster child for silent reflux. If that’s the case than HOPEFULLY there is a semi easy fix. Well be calling our pediatrician ASAP.
Hello! I am very thankful for finding this blog. It is very helpful! (I am from Croatia – sorry for bad english). Our little baby has big problems with daily sleeping. One nap lasts for about half an hour and after that, when she is awake, she cries the whole time because she is sleepy. She falls asleep by herself with white noise and little crying, but she can’t make that turn into a deeper sleep. So we’ve decided for her good to start CIO after that half an hour. She is only 2 months, but I think she can handle it.
Alexis is the expert on this site but, in case she doesn’t get back to you soon, you should really do some more research into whether 2 months is old enough. I am a reluctant CIO supporter (we used CIO for our 6.5-month-old) but I think a lot of doctors that suggest CIO would say that your baby might be too young. In a nutshell, it’s not clear that babies that young are able to learn to sleep that way – in general, babies younger than 4 months are not neurologically mature enough to settle and console themselves — please be careful!!!
Thanks on replying. I have friends who have practiced CIO with their babies from the day they were born. They did it after reading “Baby Wise”. They had no sleeping problems after that and their babies are now 8 and 10 years old. One other lady I know practiced CIO with her 1 month old baby and now has no sleeping problems. She did it afer reading “Contented little baby book”. What I don’t understand is how my little baby can sleep 8 hours during the night widouth waking up, but can’t sleep longer than 45min during the day. :/
I didn’t realize from your earlier post that your baby sleeps so well at night — As I said, I think Alexis will have many good suggestions on the napping (a lot of them are already in her earlier blog posts).
Funny the two books you mention – I’ll be curious to see what Alexis thinks. Babywise is probably one of the more controversial books and I think you’ll find a lot of pediatricians that take issue with the book’s feeding schedule, in particular (not to mention the Ezzo’s qualifications… or lack thereof). The Contented Little Baby also contains some dubious suggestions. Of course, both books also have some helpful info — it’s a little bit hard to distinguish.
“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Marc Weissbluth is a significantly more reliable guidebook. There are enough good resources available that it seems unnecessary to spend time on the controversial stuff.
Forgot to mention — lots of babies respond well to schedules and routines — I also know people who used Contented Little Baby and their kids slept very well from a young age. However, that could be a correlation and not causation, and I’m not sure you should conclude that crying it out was the way those babies learned to sleep. At 2 months old, that would be very unusual.
I didn’t know that those books were so controversial.
It seems that we found out why our baby isn’t sleeping enough during the day – she is hungry! After nursing I gave her some extra milk that I have expressed the day before and she ate it all. After that she slept for an hour and a half. After that I expressed some more milk and gave it to her after next nursing. Then she took a nap that lasted for 3 and a half hours! I just put her into her crib and she slept, without crying.
Congratulations for solving the root issue for your baby being unhappy! (and also for doing so without crying
.
I don’t know what sort of resources there are in Croatia but NOW it would be great to get somebody who could help you with nursing. Babies should get what they need from you directly. You shouldn’t need to nurse, express extra milk and then feed her THAT milk. She may just need a little help learning how to get it all directly from your body so you don’t have to maintain this nurse/pump/bottle schedule. Anyway good luck with everything!
Alexis recently posted..Healthy Mom Happy Mom
Goga (and anybody else who is reading this) – I fully support everything and anything Matt has to share. (I’ve known Matt for 20 years so he’s not just some random dude).
1) The American Academy of Pediatrics (very prestigious group of US doctors)advises against following BabyWise. So I would suggest not reading or “scheduling” your baby based on anything in BabyWise.
2) Don’t let your newborn cry. It may result in slightly longer naps but not for the reason you think (or want). There are other options to help your baby sleep without crying. And also?
3) 45 minute naps are TOTALLY NORMAL for a newborn. Taking longer naps is a developmental milestone that will develop when her body is ready to do it. She may be fussy and/or crying for a variety of reasons (being awake too long between naps is probably the most common). But 45 minutes is unlikely the reason she is “overtired.”
If you haven’t already – check out the information here. http://www.troublesometots.com/newborn-baby-sleep-survival-guide/
Think about layering on lots of soothing – swaddle, white noise, swing. AND don’t let her be awake too long. At 2 months she probably needs to go down for another nap after being up for 1.5 hours or so. People are often surprised at how short this “window of being awake” really is for newborns.
I hope that helps?
Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.
So frustrating! I’m reading Babywise on someone’s recommendation and it has all sorts of AAP quotes and things in there so I thought it was a good plan to be layered along with Dr. Karp’s soothing methods. Does AAP specifically come out against BabyWise or just sleep scheduling generally? Everything is controversial! Thanks for your help.
I don’t like Babywise for a number of reasons but I believe the official AAP stance AGAINST it comes from the fact that it pushes for scheduling feedings (vs. feeding on demand or when hungry) and this was leading to a high number of Babywise babies who were becoming dehydrated or not growing as they should.
It IS really hard to stay up on which products are OK, which have been recalled, etc. so don’t feel bad about it. And it’s not a crisis if you like Babywise. I just think there are far better carts to hitch your horse to
Don’t feel like you are the minority! I am a member of a LARGE family and we all started having babies about 5 years ago. Between the 5 of us girls having babies we have 9 (5 and under) and 2 more on the way. All of us LOVE our babies (just like everyone else) and all of us practice CIO. My now 21 month old sleeps like a CHAMP and if my 5 week old decides to have sleep problems, you better believe CIO will happen again. I cannot stand to hear my baby cry… Just ask my husband!! But I knew this was best for him. Thankfully for us, it didn’t take long but we were committed to making it work.
I’m just trying to imagine what Christmas must look like with your family. Or how you fit all the presents under the tree. Or how you FEED everybody. Gheesh!
There is more truth in what you said then you probably even realize. Committed to making it work -> doesn’t take long. Dabbling -> long miserable process.
Thanks for speaking up
Alexis recently posted..Are You Keeping Baby Awake Too Long?
haha! The most fun is when Granny and Old Pa decide they want a picture with all the kids (no parents) and us trying to get a good one! And the presents DO NOT fit under the tree. They take up more than half of the living room and it is pure, delicious chaos when we go to open them. The only disappointing thing is that we don’t get to relish watching everyone open and enjoy what they got. There is just too much action, and keeping up with your own kids is hard enough. I’ll email you a picture!
Please do! And one of the holiday table (that presumably has 3 turkeys on it to feed everybody).
Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.
I’m all for CIO. My first daughter was a sleep expert on her own as she was a self soother from just about the get go. My second daughter was not so much! We used a swing for her daytime naps until the naps became short and mutliple and the bassinet at night until she started waking 10 times during the night looking for her soother. I had bruises on my arm from where I was resting it on the edge while holding the soother in her mouth all night. Finally I decided she needed to learn to self soothe herself. It was 1 day/night of fairly hard crying and 2 more days of some crying then no more! My husband was convinced I was giving her brain damage after he went on the internet and read all about the evils of CIO. Now he has seen the light as our daughter is a happier well rested child and I am a happier well rested wife!
It’s really hard to find anything on CIO other than “you are terrible parents to do this.” But what you describe (3 days and done) has been my experience too, if you approach it the right way.
Well I’m going to try to put out some pro-CIO information. We’ll see how it goes
Alexis recently posted..Your Nemesis, The Short Nap
Alexis, I look forward to reading a blog about how to do CIO properly, thank you!
I’m working on it – I promise! Am woefully behind on everything (blog, email, house cleaning, taxes) but I promise it is coming
Alexis recently posted..30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies
I just wanted to post this in case there are other mom’s like I was… Too tired to do SO much reading and just stumbled upon this website.
Note 1: older babies may take slightly longer.
3 day CIO is more common for 9 mo and under. I have several friends who put it off till their little ones where a year or more. I found that the longer you put it off the more days it may take. My experience and theirs (after promoting to at least give it a fair try) was 1 day of long, hard crying (no checking in) -about 1 to 1.5 hours, then progressively shorter by 10-15 minutes less each day. So the older babies (1.5 hour first night ones) took about a week to be falling asleep well. So don’t give up on day 4, you may just need a few days more – as long as you are seeing progress.
Note 2: 10 minutes of crying is okay
Not all crying is bad. Lots of babies use short amounts of crying to sooth themselves. My second has always cried 5-10 minutes before sleeping, even when full, happy, and sleepy.
I am one of those “dabblers” in CIO. With a 6-month-old who has proven he can put himself to sleep, but just doesn’t want to most nights, I am starting to question everything I’ve done to get to this point. There’s nothing worse than feeling like a s****y mother when you know deep down you’ve done your best and it just didn’t work. But when I research CIO I always see the same posts: It works, but as soon as something changes (moving, teething, colds, developmental leaps, etc.) you have to start all over with CIO. Can some of you in the CIO camp enlighten me? Was this the case for you?
Also I’ve read that CIO just doesn’t work for some personality types, and they will cry for hours/weeks until you stop CIO. Any thoughts?
Hey Minnie,
You may want to email me with more details. I have an absurd amount of experience with families and CIO. Like, maybe 50 different families? (Don’t ask me how this happened, I honestly don’t understand it myself). And I’ve never met a kid who “had the wrong personality type” or saw CIO as something that had to be done over and over. I did see people who approached it (with all the best of intentions) the wrong way and ended up creating a mess for themselves.
So 50 babies does not represent the whole world so I can’t say that there is no possibility of a baby who could just be “different.” But in my experience there are broader issues mucking things up and I prefer to start from a big picture (what is going on all day long with this kid?) perspective and almost always there is a reason why things aren’t really working out. I’m not saying it’s easy to figure out what that reason is. Just that in my experience, there is always a reason.
Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.
Hey there.. Love your blog ( yup I bookmarked it) .. My LO is definitely unpredictable.. She just turned 8 weeks .. At 4 weeks she refused to nap in her crib during the day time.. So am constantly holding her.. I bought a graco swing and tried ur advise.. Swaddle pacifier white noise etc and she still hates it.. She gets this I’m petrified pick me up look the minute she’s in it.. She doesn’t mind playing in her crib or on her play mat so I know she’s ok with me putting her down .. Any advice
???
Also her naps and nighttime sleep are changing everyday..This week she gave me 5 hour straight then 3-2 at night only to change the next day n give me 3-2-1-2-1. Her naps are also 45 min some days and 1.5 to 2 the next day… Is that normal.. Should I read into it or would it gradually become more consistent as she grows up.
Oh I Forgot to mention that I feed on demand so no consistent schedule … She’s a very fussy eater so I take every opportunity I can feed her but make sure she’s actually hungry first.. Could this be the reason for inconsistent sleeping? Should I try and force a schedule on her ?
What? Honey, why are you talking about forcing a schedule and putting her down awake. She’s a newborn!
Newborns don’t do schedules. And almost NO newborns are going to fall asleep on their own. If I were you I would definitely nurse to sleep (while swaddled) and THEN put her in the swing. Trying to ask an 8 week old to go down awake is like asking my 3 year old to pee on the potty (read: just. not. happening.).
And the night thing is often rough with an 8 week old. Although it looks like you’re nursing 5-6 times at night which is EXTRA rough. Although if she’s not nursing well during the day (is she? I get the impression she isn’t) then exhaustion from being awake too much during the day can definitely lead to ugly nights.
I’m not sure what you mean when you say she’s a fussy eater but just in case, I’m linking to an article on reflux (she probably doesn’t have reflux but it IS a symptom so there you have it).
Alexis recently posted..Reflux 101 – When Baby Cries Too Much
Thanks Alexis
I meant a feeding schedule .. To make sure she eats enough during the day and not make up for it during the night. She actually naps a lot during the day .. I make sure she’s down every hour ( that’s her window) and her naps can be anywhere from 45 min to 1-2 hours. She is a very happy baby after each nap. Also she’s up a lot during the night but I usually pat and shush untill she falls asleep if I’m confident it’s not Hunger.
I was just wondering how can I make the good nights (which she gives me at least twice a week) more consistent. But I’m getting the feeling from you that at her age I shouldn’t be expecting it yet.??
Oh and her feedings were extremely difficult but now r slowly improving … My breasts were spraying her and she started crying and fussing everytime she nurses.. My milk supply adjusted ( somewhat) now .. So it’s a bit better。but she still nurses for a maximum of 5 minutes a time.
Probably can’t make the “good nights” happen more consistently if you’re doing everything you can (lots of soothing, consistency, not keeping her awake too long) already
Firehose breastmilk (good for you BTW!) and short nursing sessions can sometimes be a sign of OVER supply and/or fast letdown. I’m NOT a nursing expert BUT it may be worth talking to somebody who is (find a good IBCLC). It could be that she’s not sticking around long enough to get the fattier breastmilk (due to the rapid 5 minute nursing) and thus needs to nurse more often to make up for it.
Again am NOT an expert by any means but it may be worth a conversation with somebody who is just to rule it out?
Best of luck!
Thanks.. Your great!! My husband and I just moved from Canada to the gulf .. Ive been trying to find a breastfeeding consultant for a while now.. It sucks that I have no support system .. Thank god for the Internet and for ppl like you!!!
Oy. Like many other parents (many, right? I couldn’t possibly be alone here…), I’m at my wits end, and thusly, at your website. My daughter is almost 11 months old. She has not slept even 1 hour in her crib since the day she was born. I have read countless books, tried countless methods (including various CIO methods, no-cry sleep solution, etc) and yet here we are. We cosleep because otherwise our sleep pattern would be called “nosleep”. My daughter is still breastfed (along with some daytime solids) and wakes up 2-4 times at night for feeds. She has a pacifier. The last time I tried CIO, I lasted 4 hours of her screaming BLOODY MURDER (while I “checked in” every 5-7-10 minutes). She did not calm down, she did not sleep. I gave up. She slept draped over my neck in our bed. Tell me this is doable… because 4 hours of screaming seemed excessive. Please.
Elly,
2-4 times a night smells like an object permanence problem (have you read this series?)
http://www.troublesometots.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/
So my guess is that you’re still nursing to sleep. Am I right?
Because by 11 months she definitely doesn’t need to eat at all much less that much. So unless you’re digging it (and it sounds like you’re not, and really why would you?) you have two options. One – keep going like you currently are until merciful death comes to take you into it’s sweet embrace. Or you can fundamentally change how you’re approaching things.
Now I know you had this horrendous CIO experience and I’m SOOO sorry. I also have a pretty good handle on WHY things went to sour for you. But I need more deets to help you come up with a “let’s fix this plan.” Still if it helps you CAN fix this and when you do I think you’ll say, “That was rough for a day or two but DAMN I’m so glad things are going better now!”
email me (see the contact link) and we’ll chat in more details. Fair warning I am WAY behind on sleep email so it may take a while. But I’ll try to push you to the top of the queue (just remind me that I promised if you write
Alexis recently posted..30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies
Hello, I know this post was almost a year ago, but I am wondering how this turned out? This situation sounds exactly like the one that we are in currently with my 11 mth old son. This blog has given me the courage to do CIO (or should I say re-do after a few failed, traumatizing attempts). We are on night one and at one hour and 35 mins of crying…his little head is bobbing while he sits upright fighting sleep.
One question I have is…..I am supposed to be out of town for work for 4 days 3 nights this week…I am hoping that my not being around will not adversely affect the CIO trial? His dad and nanny will be here (the 3 of us are his consistent caregivers).
Thank you for this site. I was really about to lose it. I have read the healthy sleep habits happy child book over and over but it does not account for all situations and is not as clear as your guidance.
I have done the Cry it out. (the no checking kind) and it worked for us.
It took 3 days. day 1 was 30 ? min, day 2 was 15? min, say 3 was 5? min and we were done. I cant recall how old he was when we had to do that. (he was generally a good sleeper anyway)
there were a few other fussy days but he can put himself to sleep now at 2.5 years old.
someone posted about going off schedule and having to restart CIO. For us we did notice that traveling would throw us off our normal routine and often babe would not get enough sleep so he was over tired and sometimes just needed to be left alone to fall asleep. When we got home it would only take 1 maybe 2 days of letting him cry 10? min and we would be back on track again.
Debbie DeBaeremaeker recently posted..copyrighting quilting
YES THANK YOU!
This is how it’s done people. Is everybody reading Debbie’s comment? I hope so.
Admittedly 30 minutes is on the shorter side but your experience (be direct and brief) is TOTALLY on the mark.
And like you I know all these people who claim CIO is an ongoing experience that must be redone all the time. But no…no it isn’t. Really in my world 5-10 minutes of crying a handful of times a year doesn’t even signify.
Good for you!
Alexis recently posted..30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies
I have a 8mo who has been a terrible sleeper from day 1. We rock/nurse him to sleep and have decided to go the cio route when he recovers from his slight cold. Its been painful waking up every 2 and sometimes 1 hour to let him nibble on the breast. He used to go into the crib but now he doesn’t even do that. Ive been having him fall asleep attached to my breast the past week in our bed
I’m not sure if ill survive letting him cio so my husband has been giving me the courage to give it a go.
But how long is long enough? I don’t think I’ve let my son cry for longer than a minute. *guilty* and if he vomits while crying can I pick him up? How long should the “training ” go on? Ive heard of some parents training their babies for 4 months…?!
Currently his crib is in our room. Should I train him in his own room? If we train him in our room will we need to retrain if we move him later? So many questions – just need some cheering from those whohad success with older babies!
Rebecca,
How is your son a terrible sleeper? From your question I assume he sleeps just fine if attached to your boob all night long. If it makes you feel any better you are neither the first nor the last human pacifier who has come to the conclusion that this simply isn’t working anymore.
The challenge for you is figuring out when he needs to eat and when he just wants to nurse because he’s USED to doing it. If he’s been snacking all night long you’ll still need to feed him at some point (trying to go cold turkey will make you and him very unhappy all night long).
So I would work out a plan that involves doing WHATEVER you need to to have him sleep decently during the day. Then you do a long wonderful bedtime routine (which you’ll do nightly for years to come). Whatever your routine is – separate nursing from bedtime. I like boob-bath-book-bed but whatever works for you is great.
Put him in his crib (which you’ve made entirely safe) and then leave the room. Ideally you leave the house for about an hour (leave Dad at home – Dad’s are infinitely better at these things). Go to Starbucks. Whatever.
Then you and your partner figure out how often you’ll be nursing at night. THIS is the tricky part. Because it can’t be hourly. And it can’t be “not at all” so you’ll fumble for a few nights. My advice is no more than 2X but you’ll have a better idea of what to do.
Once you start down this path – No. More. Nursing. To. Sleep. At. Bedtime. Fini.
Anyway – that’s where I would start….
Alexis recently posted..The Ferber vs. Weissbluth CIO Smackdown
I read a book called “Bed Timing”. It was excellent as it talks about the best TIME to sleep train in terms of the child’s development and there are several windows. CIO is not leaving your baby crying indefinitely- going in at intervals really helps you as the parent feel better and the baby is re-assured that you are there for them. We did it with my son when he was 6 months. First night we went in every 3 minutes (patted him, talked to him but didn’t pick him up, about 20 seconds), 2nd night every 5, third night every 7 and that was it…he didn’t need the 4th night as he slept 7 hours straight after that.
You have to decide how long you are going for too. My son had already spontaneously slept 7 hours straoght on his own so that’s what we trained for. That still meant a 4am feed but he went right back to sleep after until around 8am. And eventually he slept from 7pm-8am on his own.
Don’t believe the bunk you read about CIO being damaging. Those studies about chronic crying and how they’re damaging were mostly related to children who were in abusive houselholds and hey, if crying is damaging (it’s not!), then think about the amount they cry for sleep training (relatively a short time) and if you don’t train- if you don’t, the amount of crying they’ll b doing continuing to wake in the night is faaaaaaar more. Sleep deprivation is a dangerous thing- especially for parents who are driving around said precious bundle.
Yes, yes, and yes!
I’ve never heard of Bed Timing but will definitely be adding that to my library. Thanks for the tip!
Alexis recently posted..The Ferber vs. Weissbluth CIO Smackdown
Thank you so much for your website.
I was one of those zombie mothers. I have 2 boys, 3 years and 9 months. My 3 year old still goes to bed with a fuss. I feed him to sleep for his first year and then would sit in his room till he fell asleep. I swore I would not make the same mistakes with my second. I let him self settle when he was a baby but then somehow I ended up feeding him to sleep just like the last.
I was getting up to my 9 month old every 2 hours. That was until I found your website and it gave me the confidence to let him cry. Took 145 the 1st night, 1 hr the 2nd, 30mins next then 15, now only a minute or so.
He sleeps for longer stretches waking twice for feed. He plays catch up at night due to a brother that distracts him during day. CIO has been the best thing for me. He will now go to sleep at other places whereas b4 he would want to stay attached to me.
In short thank you for you website, sometimes it’s just what you have to do. As hard as it was listening ( lots of housework got done to keep me busy) it was worth it.
That is awesome. Both your sharing your story and your kind words. Happy families are what keep my engine going so thanks for sharing
Alexis recently posted..Great Holiday Books for Kids
First of all, Alexis, thank you for this site. I wish I had found it 3 years ago when my daughter was born. She had ‘colic’ for lack of a better word and we followed the advice from ‘happiest baby on the block’ which was great at first as we managed to stop her from screaming by swaddling, soother, shushing, boob… By the time she was 5 months we still did all of these things and had to repeat them every 2 to 3 hrs. My husband and I read a lot of information of the Internet and at this point I was willing to pay almost anything to get my child to sleep through the night. Thankfully my husband stopped me from pulling out the visa and we decided that the only way was the CIO method and removing all of her sleeping aids. What really helped me was my husband stayed in the room the first night with her. He sat in a chair, wore his ear plugs, and would just say ‘shhhh, it’s sleepy time every 5 min or so. He would pat her on the back as well. She screamed and cried for about 50 minutes the first night while I cried in the kitchen. The second night she cried for 15 minutes. The third hardly at all and then slept through the night. My 7 month old son has always been able to put himself asleep, however, he likes to snack twice a night. So, thank you for your third chapter on weaning a child from night time feedings. I will give it a shot!
Hi Alexis,
I’m trying out CIO right now. I want to make sure I’m doing this correctly. I put my 9 month old down at 7:30pm without his paci (he normally takes one to sleep). After 30 minutes of crying he fell asleep. He has woken up twice crying and at midnight (the second time waking)I fed him a bottle and changed his diaper. He typically takes a bottle around midnight. I sang my usual song said “night,night”. He now has been crying for 40 minutes. OH Wow! Now I don’t here him. How many times does a baby wake when doing CIO? From what I’ve written am I doing this right? How long is too long for him to cry? Should it be better on second night? Should I be feeding him at his usual time when he wakes or should I have cut this out before CIO? I don’t want to go backwards. My entire house is sleep deprived. I already have one child who is a terrible sleeper I can’t afford two. I will try anything at this point to get it done correctly. It’s typical of my 9 month old to be awake and fuss from 4am to 5:30 am. I don’t plan on going in the room, but what do you think? He is also a terrible napper, but I’m trying to tackle the night sleeping first from what I read on your site. I love your site and I’m glad I found it a few months ago. Thanks in advance for any advice. I won’t give up this time.:)
Hi Again,
First night of CIO extinction was rough. My 9 month old boy woke 4 times after I put him down. Cried up to 40 minutes one time so he really didn’t get much sleep.
If I get rid of the paci at night (CIO) do I also do this at nap time even though the nap is not cio? He is taking 30 minute naps which is horrible.
His 5th awakening was roughly 5:30 am and I went in got him up at 6:05am because I could see he was not going back to sleep. He drank a 4 oz bottle and he went back down for a nap 3 hours after his final wake up 5:30am. He woke up after 30 minutes terrible sleeper/nap. I know your site says do whatever it takes to get a good nap, but what if your baby is all around a bad napper/sleeper? What am I suppose to do about the naps to make the night CIO work? Give the paci,rock?
Here’s my checklist before CIO:
1. Is he fed? If not, feed him. If so, great….next!
2. Burp him if fed. If not fed, move on to #3
3. Change the diaper.
4. Teething? Peppermint oil helps. It also helps with gas. Make sure to apply in mouth on the tongue. Supervise at least 10 minutes afterwards add the fragrance can relax the lunges.
5. Burp him again. The peppermint helps them to burp.
Then, place baby in sleeping area and walk away. He is cared for, and will survive. All will be okay.
Alexis,
We just started CIO with our 4 month old boy and Night 1 he cried for almost 2 hours but only 10 minutes after we put him back down after his 2aM feeding. Night 2 he didn’t cry too hard and fell asleep playing in crib after 30 minutes. Went down without fussing after his 2AM feeding. We put him in our bed to snuggle when he wakes at 5:30 or 6, and he may fall back asleep for 45 mins. Question is, his naps have always been short, like 30-45 mins 3-4 times a day, but before we began CIO I could put him in crib drowsy and he would sleep there for naps. Since CIO at night, however, he will not go in his crib drowsy he wakes immediately like he was anticipating the drop into his crib. Is this unusual? So I’ve been having to hold him for all daytime naps. It’s like nighttime is good/better but daytime has gotten worse. He is also fussier during the day now. Will any of this change?
Thanks,
Ashley
Hi there,
My daughter used to settle herself to sleep at night however but over the last month refuses to settle for both naps and night time.
I’m mother to a 8.5 month old and we’re guilty of breastfeeding to sleep for naps
As a result, all naps are 30-45 mins, she is waking multiple times during the night and we’re all wrecked. My daughter is getting crankier during the day and is way overtired at this stage. She really needs a longer afternoon nap.
Which do we tackle first? Naps or nighttime? I think we’re going to have to resort to CIO. We have dabbled before but going into check on her usually riles her up even more.
At what stage to you intervene when going down the CIO route? Is there ever a time limit? I’m nervous and guilty about trying it but something has to change!!
Thanks in advance for your help,
Annemarie