Kid Ban Controversy: Who is the Jerk Here?
I love to eat out. Eating out means relegating the procuring, cooking, and cleaning of a family meal to somebody else. Next to sleeping, eating out is probably my favorite thing to do. So pretty early on I got my kids locked in with the rules of the restaurant:
- Butt in seat.
- Inside voices.
- Kind words for the waitstaff.
- We stay until everybody is finished.
This makes it pretty difficult to eat out with any of our friends however because none of their kids are required to adhere to my family’s restaurant rules. If we eat out with other people I’m stuck trying to explain to a 4 YO why he has to stay in his seat while his buddies are playing ring-around-the-rosie in the middle of the restaurant. We had a similar struggle at our first movie theater visit last week (the new Winnie the Pooh is a delight) because at least half the house was running around and yelling during the show. I would suggest that if your child isn’t prepared to sit quietly in their seat for a ~60 minute cartoon then they aren’t ready to go to the theater. But I’m pretty sure my 4 YO’s perspective was closer to, “Why isn’t my Mommy cool like all these other Mommies???”
Apparently Malaysia Airlines has decided to ban kids from their first class cabin and other airlines will soon issue similar policies. Now a forgettable restaurant near Pittsburgh PA is front-page news due to their decision to restrict kids under 6 from their establishment. Movie theaters and even Whole Foods are offering alternatives to wrestling with kids. Although to be fair Whole Foods is offering free childcare to those who want to shop child-free which is simply AWESOME.
Unsurprisingly people are getting fired up after being told their progeny are not welcome at certain locations. Lots of mommy bloggers are sharing their thoughts about the ban.
Ban’s Blow! Down With Bans!
The word “ban” strikes at the very heart of what I believe America strives for which is fundamental equality for all. A ban on children is simply ageism against those who cannot vote with ballot or wallet. Banning people for any reason brings back uncomfortable images of Rosa Parks which is a chapter of our history I think we would all like to move on from. So the angry outbursts and promises to never patronize places that ban children are justified and commendable.
I’m With the Ban
But here is the ugly truth: If parents required their kids to adhere to rules of behavior at the (insert: theater, restaurant, etc.) there would be no talk of bans. I see kids behaving badly every single day. Mine do too, only when it happens we leave a huge tip and then leave. But I think I’m in the minority.
The suggestion that the owners should simply confront the parents about their behavior is borderline ridiculous. There are certain things one never does. You never touch the floor in a gas station bathroom. You never admit that you think Howard Stern is funny.
And you never ever tell somebody how to parent their children.
The idea that a 23-year-old waiter is supposed to confront parents about their ill-behaved children is unfair to all involved. The idea that the restaurant owner should simply “kick out the family” would quickly result in cries of, “Help! I’m being repressed!”
So who is the jerk here? Is it the restaurant owner or the parents who fail to teach their kids the meaning of appropriate behavior? Are they both jerks?
I can’t afford a first class ticket but if I just dropped $3,000 to fly to Malaysia in quiet luxury I might not be clamoring for the rights of my seatmate to bring their screaming 6 week old into the first class cabin with them. Months ago Joel Stein at Time Magazine wrote a great article about segregation on airplanes:
“It’s insane to expect nonparents to sit near babies, chatty retirees to sit near iPodded teens or people doing sudoku to sit near me, since I’m so obviously silently making fun of them for doing sudoku.”
If we’re going to ban people based on poor behavior then why stop at preschoolers? What about the farters? I would prefer they stay away from restaurants and airplanes too.
Regardless of my sympathies towards beleaguered shop-owners, I can’t support any form of discrimination. And that’s what we’re talking about here. Maybe restaurant and theater owners can simply dissuade parents from bringing their parents by jacking up prices. Oh wait….they already did that.
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Great post! I do not have children and I’m very grateful for parents like you who teach their children how to behave in public. However, I know that sometimes know matter how great the parents, things happen. Meltdowns, shrieks, ants in the pants. And sure it might annoy me, but I’m appalled at the idea of banning kids from places. Right there with you about the farters. And how about the adults that are just plain rude and annoying. If you start banning certain groups of people, where does it stop?
I think part of the problem you touch upon is that what “acceptable behavior” is varies among children and situation. Not to make a hairy question even hairier, but what about parents whose children have disabilities, for example? Not the obvious kind (e.g. in a wheelchair) but the less obvious cognitive or behavioral type. Should they be disallowed from visiting restaurants because their children aren’t able to adhere to certain behavioral guidelines? But I also think there are many situations in which parents of neurotypical behavior ought to be cut a break. Sometimes it’s bad parenting; sometimes it’s the “until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” situation–tough week, tough month, recent loss, recent illness, etc., as well as smaller tribulatious–that means they might be letting something slide when they wouldn’t usually.
We just took the kids out to A Single Pebble for their first restaurant dinner in pretty much ever (at least 2 years for us, I think). We had a gift certificate to use up ASAP and a babysitter wasn’t feasible. As it turned out it was a really nice evening. We adhered to three of your rules, except that when the two kids were done my husband took them out on Church St. and I enjoyed the rest of my martini. I was OK with that
Um, that should be “parents of neurotypical children” and “tribulations”. Bedtime for me!
I also think the same. Where does it stop? While I think sometimes it makes sense one side is the jerk, then sometimes the other side looks like the jerk. I guess, is very hard, to see the middle ground and probably because is very subjective.
While it makes sense the first-class seat ban for ppl who paid lots of money to enjoy the luxury, it doesn’t change the fact that an airplane is used to transport people from one side to the other, no choice sometimes. A friend of mine paid to flight first class with baby because it made it easier for her. It has more comfortable to be there, breastfeed, move around with baby, have a carseat, etc.. when it was a 12 hour flight. So, in that case, they also deserved the luxury seat. It is very subjective. As an example.
Good topic, btw
cheers
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I liked that you mentioned Malaysia. Kids will be kids and we have all been kids before. I think it isn’t fair on parents with young children who constantly get looks of disapproval in restaurants or public places when their kids misbehave or makes a lot of noise. I always try my very best to control the situation with my kids and I feel that parents have that responsiblity to teach children to behave in public places but it’s not always easy. Give us a break sometimes, you know what I mean?
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My kids are not the best behaved at times. I don’t bother risking a restaurant catastrophe by taking them out. They get McD’s as their restaurant visit.
I totally get why people would get up in arms about a ban. But seriously? If your kids can’t behave, don’t take them. Simple as that. Save your restaurant visit to one for just YOU. Personally, I’d much rather dine WITHOUT my kids anyday
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Great post! You touch on not only the importance of teaching proper public behavior (never easy, but extremely important), but also discuss banning issues in a much more nuanced way than most people have the capacity to understand them. My personal thought, which is something you didn’t explicitly say, but it’s implicit in your child rearing, is that empathy should be a parent skill that helps make these decisions. Whenever I contemplate taking my children out somewhere, I think about whether they are able to handle the situation and if not, how would that affect the people around me. Showing your kids you can empathize with their needs and also with the needs of others in public (i.e., apologizing for the noise or disruption or whatever) is a great skill to teach.
I agree. Empathy for the people around me is important, but also empathy for my children. They don’t want to go to a fancy restaurant where they’re expected to sit still for 2 hours or more (because that’s the fancy restaurant “experience”) and only speak in hushed voices. They simply aren’t capable of that and at some point they will act up. And then no one will enjoy their evening! It’s simply not fair to anyone.
I agree with PP, if you start banning certain groups, where does it end? I believe this is yet another example of parent-blame, particularly mom-blame. Everything is mom’s fault. The child is misbehaving in public. Must be mom’s fault. The child is having an unmanageable tantrum in a restaurant, the mom is doing something wrong. I think people should get off their high horses and pedestals, and be more respectful of parents. It’s the hardest job in the world, raising a child, and we were all children once. Why should only parents with well-behaved children be able to go out to dinner? What if you can’t afford a babysitter or don’t know anyone you trust? What if you are a single parent? Does that mean you should have to stay home and cook dinner all the time with no respite? As a mother of a 9-month old, I RELISH going out to dinner even if it’s with my child. I think it’s the nicest thing to be served and not have to wash dishes, cook, etc!
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I agree with you. If parents either made their children behave or (and I actually do this) leave the restaurant if their kid is having a meltdown, then this wouldn’t even be a debate. I’ve read a lot of posts about this, and I’ve heard people who don’t have children say things like, “It will force parents to not take their kids out to eat at 10pm and put them in bed where they should be.” Well, I’m sorry, but you can’t force someone to be a better parent. If they don’t take their kid to one restaurant because it has a ban on children, they’ll take them to another. If all restaurants ban kids after a certain time, those parents will find someone else to go.
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My children are no longer small but they were at one time. I remember how challenging situations could be and handled each to the best of my ability.
My take on the negative attitude towards children is that the complaining people have either forgotten the effort required for — or have not had the pleasure of — dealing with a child’s tantrum.
Are we Americans becoming so selfish that we can’t tolerate children?
We are accepting of everything from naked billboards to nasty language “music” played at ear-shattering decibels and rude jerks yelling, cursing into cell phones etc., but a child being noisy is somehow unacceptable.
I remember taking my firstborn to church one Sunday, sitting in the last row of seats so I could quietly nurse her, but she chose instead to “sing along” and gurgle and baby talk. She was only a few months old. I nervously went to slip out the back door with her, hoping not to disturb anyone else. The usher caught me outside and said, there’s nothing more joyful than the sound of a happy baby, And then, at my preference, he showed me to the “training room” where those of us with little ones could still hear and see while not disturbing others.
What could have been a real negative for a young mother was turned into a positive.
There are times when a parent might choose to withdraw with a “misbehaving” child, but I think the rest of us would do well to be supportive and kind and not sit in judgement.
(Side Note: How fortunate two-parent families seem have it as compared to a single-parent of two…)
I struggle with this myself. Kids are practicing and if we don’t give them chances to try then how will they learn? However the counter argument is that they could, in theory, practice at home and head out to restaurants, theaters, etc. when they have demonstrated their mastery of staying in seats, using quiet voices, etc.
In fact I took a parenting class that suggested just this – have your kids “show they are ready” for X days before you take them out for a treat at Friendly’s.
But as you said, I am a married Mom of 2 with a supportive spouse. Shared parenting duties give me a little breathing space to work on things like this. Maybe if I were the parent of a special needs child or were a single mom I might not have the emotional energy to do so. And I might just want to grab a quick meal I didn’t have to prepare myself.
Also? EVERYBODY loves baby talk. Gurgling babies are welcome at my house anytime
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I agree somewhat with the bans. My wife and I will not take our son (3 months old) to a nice restaurant. We figure it is going to be date night for some couples and that they might be escaping their own colicky child. We don’t want them to have colic flashbacks due to us. Places like Fridays and Applebee’s that are considered family friendly are fair game though. Maybe I will feel different as my son gets a bit older, but for now that is our philosophy.
Although i agree with some of your comments I don’t think it is entirely unfair to ban kids from certain places like high end restaurants. Yesterday being valentines day my boyfriend decided to take me out to one of the nicest places i have ever been to. Great dinner, great table, great service but the only thing i would’ve like to change is the family with the screaming child who was sat right next to us. personally i feel if your paying 105 dollars for a meal you shouldn’t have to put up with parents of a disobedient child who they have obviously just learned to tune out.