30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies

April 10, 2012 |  by  |  featured, fun links, new mom, parenting
30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from the Movies
Dustin Rowles is the senior Overlord over at Pajiba, where I spend most of my time diddling on the Internet, reading up on movies I’ll never have the childcare to go see and arguing about which Masterpiece Theater leading man is the hottest (there is only one answer to this question and it is obviously Colin Firth). He recently wrote a really great and funny piece on parenting which I would never have the courage to write myself. He also graciously allowed me to repost it here. Enjoy!

I thought I would offer some words of wisdom from a Dad who really doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing half the time, but has still somehow managed to be a parent to one wonderful child for nearly five years without killing him. I also happen to be in the midst of raising newborn twins (also, still alive!), so all of this is marvelously and excruciatingly fresh to me.


So, I offer for new parents these 30 Practical Parenting Tips You Will Never Learn from Movies and Television.


1. They never really discuss in movies the single most terrifying thing about raising a newborn: SIDS. Before you’re a parent, it seems ethereal, but during the first six month of your infant’s life, it’s like this all encompassing obsession. Nobody knows why it happens, but that doesn’t stop doctors from attributing it to about 4,000 different factors, all of which become insanely terrifying. The reason why parents don’t sleep the first six months of a child’s life is because they’re waking up EVERY 15 MINUTES to make sure their baby is still alive because the medical profession has put the fear of God in us. YOUR BABY COULD DIE FOR NO REASON. However, if the baby sleeps on its back, its risk for SIDS is halved for some reason. The rate of SIDS also increase in babies who sleep in their parents’ bed, which is why I think that SIDS is a vast conspiracy perpetuated by the crib industry.


2. What to Expect Books are the worst. Every new parent will have a copy of What to Expect In Your First Year. You may have five copies, because every one will want to buy you one. Why? To scare you to death. Basically, they’re reference books. If your child gets a small rash, you go to the book to find out what it is. The book will say something along the lines of, “Your baby may be teetering on the edge of death. Consult your doctor immediately before it’s too late. If you don’t, your BABY WILL DIE. Or it could just be a small rash, so don’t worry about it. It’s definitely one or the other or something else all together.”

Corollary: If you use the Internet to search for symptoms, Yahoo Answers will invariably show up at the top of the search engine listings. NEVER LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. THEY ARE CRAZY.

3. There are a lot of doctor’s appointments during the first year. It’s very unglamorous. Your baby will be measured, weighed, and given shots on a near weekly basis. You will spend half your waking hours in doctor’s waiting rooms, surrounded by sick children who could potentially infect your child, leading to ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH according to the What to Expect books.

4.
The first time your baby poops, typically in the delivery room, it will be something called meconium, which is comprised of what your baby eats in utero. Meconium is a sticky substance that looks like it belongs in a tar pit. When my first born pooped the first time, it looked like someone blowing a bubble-gum bubble, only it was black and it came out of his ass. Don’t worry. This is normal, but the nurses will get a kick out of your horrified face. All nurses have a macabre sense of humor and they love to make new Dads squirm. Also, if you do something hilariously stupid during the delivery, that story will be relayed to every new patient that nurse have for the next decade.

5.
Natural childbirth is beautiful, but it’s not beautiful. Husbands: Be aware that your wife’s pelvis looks like it’s going to break when it opens up like the jaws of death to unleash your baby into the world. It is simultaneously sickening, terrifying, and awesome. You will never have more respect for your wife than after her bones shape shift to make room for a baby’s head. If, on the other hand, your wife is having a C-section, DO NOT LOOK OVER THE BLANKET. Not unless you want to see what your wife’s organs look like.

6.
To you, your newborn baby will look like the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen. Other people may say something along the lines of, “You have a beautiful baby. I always say that, but this time, I really mean it.” He doesn’t really mean it. Until they fill out, newborns look like wrinkly old men, and once they do fill out, they look like Don Zimmer. You won’t recognize this for a few years, not until you look back at pictures of your baby in the days after he or she was born.

7. Make sure the books you read to your child are tolerable, because you will read them 1,000 times each over the course of their first few years. Avoid unfamiliar children’s books or books that you find on the shelves at supermarkets. They are the worst. Also, the books you or your parents grew up with are almost certainly unsuitable now, unless you like the idea that your child will live in perpetual fear of swallowing a fly and dying.

8.
Movies and television often depict new parents as sleep deprived, but they don’t really explain why. There’s two primary reasons: 1) You have to feed your baby every two to three hours in the first few weeks, which will mean waking up several times throughout the night. By the time you feed your baby, change its diaper, and burp it, and clean up the mess, it will be time to wake up again and begin the cycle anew, and 2) See #1: SIDS: Anxiety will keep you awake. If your baby falls asleep, that’s when the anxiety is at its highest. She’s not making sounds. Therefore, she may be dead. So, you have to get up and tussle her around to make sure she’s OK, and then she will wake up and you’ll spend 15 minutes trying to get her back down, all because you were afraid she wasn’t breathing. Husbands: If your wife wakes up, YOU WAKE UP. Don’t be a dipshit. Misery loves company. A happy marriage is a marriage in which both spouses are equally sleep-deprived.

9. It doesn’t matter how much you love your significant other, or how much he or she loves you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never had an argument in your life. You will argue when you have a baby. You are tired. You are thin-skinned. Everything will set you off. You will assign blame to your significant other for everything, because assigning blame absolves you of it. But rest assured, whatever it was, it was your fault.

10. The one time someone actually caught this reality in the media was in the pilot episode of “Up All Night,” and it was perfect: You and your significant other will have arguments about who slept less. You will be under the illusion that, if you can win that argument, you won’t have to be the one to get up and tend to the child at 4 a.m. However, this is a devil’s trap. You will spend more time arguing over who slept less than it will take to actually perform the task. Moreover, if you win the argument and are allowed to sleep 15 minutes more than your significant other, you will pay for it twice over, in the tasks you will have to perform the next day because “you got 15 minutes more sleep than I did.” This is a good time to remind you of #8: Misery loves company. You should both get up, that way no one ever gets the upper hand.

11. Often, movies and television will depict babies pooping on their parents as comic relief. You may think this is exaggerated for comedy. It is not. Last week, a baby projectile spit-up in my face, all over my mouth. Just this morning, a baby sprayed poop all over herself, all over my shirt, and all over the surrounding area. When you remove a diaper, ALWAYS HAVE THE NEXT ONE WAITING. If there’s even a millisecond between the time that you remove a diaper and replace it with another, your baby will know. She will take advantage of that millisecond and squirt poop in every direction, and you will be surprised how far a baby can poop. Whatever the space between the baby and a wall is, that’s how far the baby can poop.

Moreover, I promise you that — on more than one occasion — you will use your hand to catch your child’s vomit, poop, or even snot before it lands on the floor or the couch. It’s much easier to clean up your hand than the couch.

12. Nursing mothers: You’re doing God’s work. Bless you. Try not to stress about it. You may be freaked out that you’re not producing enough breastmilk to keep your baby alive. That stress will cause you to produce less milk, which will cause you to stress out even more, which is an endless cycle that will end in the manual removal of every single hair follicle in your head. Don’t worry about it. Your baby will not die from starvation. IT WILL DIE OF SIDs.

13. Invariably, your child will develop hand, foot and mouth disease. It sounds HORRIBLE, like something that will kill cattle. It’s nothing. The palms of your child’s hand and foot will develop a rash, and you will immediately think STIGMATA. Don’t worry. It’s a common virus. Your kid may feel lousy for a few days, but it’s nothing. Take pictures. Freak out your friends.

14. Your kid will get sick, you will miss work, and you will be that parent that you always criticized for missing work because of a stupid child’s illness. I’m sorry. It’s unavoidable. Unless you have close relatives who don’t work, there will be no one else to take care of your child. Even if it’s a mild fever with no other symptoms, you cannot send that child to school. Or day care. You will have to stay home. If you work from home, you’re double fucked because not only will you saddled with the responsibility, you will almost certainly also have to do your job because society believes that people that work from home don’t actually work and therefore they are free to do EVERYTHING.

15. Colic is a myth, but it will feel great to blame your child’s constant crying on it. It’s a convenient excuse, but the reality is: Babies cry. A lot. When they’re hungry, when they’re gassy, when they’re bored, when they want you to hold them, or because it’s Tuesday and they fucking feel like it, OK. It’s just easier to tell other people it’s colic because you don’t really fucking know what’s wrong with the child.

16.
Dr. Sears? Good luck. Follow his advice at your own risk, understanding that attachment parenting is a wonderful, beautiful, glorious thing, until that moment you need five minutes to yourself but you can’t have it because your child is attached to you at the hip. Permanently.

17. The Ferber Method? That’s your call, but if you decide to go that route and someone judges you for it, tell them to fuck right off. If you decide not to go that route, you will have to wake up every half hour to put your baby back to bed.

18. Cloth diapers? Good luck. It’s great. It’s noble. It’s better for the environment. But when you’re exhausted, sleep-deprived, and your house has fallen into shambles, the last thing you may want to do is wash another load of shitty diapers. It’s hard enough keeping up with the laundry when your baby only has three outfits because she grows through an outfit every two weeks, and she soils all three of those outfits every single day. Diaper services are great, but do you really want to invite someone into your home when there are 200 shitty diapers piled in a corner hamper and you have poop in your hair?

19. Stay-at-home mom? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Working mom? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Stay-at-home dad? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Whatever path you choose, never let yourself feel guilty for it. Are you a good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.

20. Related: Statistically speaking, your baby’s success in life is out of your control. Behavior economics shows the same thing consistently: What kind of parent you are is not as important as who you are in predicting a child’s socio-economic success. There are exceptions, of course, but overall, if you are affluent, your child will be affluent. If you went to college, your child will go to college. If you have a well-paying job, so will your child.

21. Corollary: While how you parent isn’t as important as who you are in a child’s successful outcome, what kind of person is important to what kind of person your child will be. If you are a good tipper, your child will be a good tipper. If you are an asshole, your child will be an asshole.

22.
It’s never too early to line up childcare. If you plan on putting your child in daycare, put yourself on a waiting list the day you find out you are pregnant. If you plan to put your child in preschool, sign up the week your child is born. The best preschools fill up quickly and then you’ll be stuck with that lady who has a playroom set up in her basement with a television from 1979 that’s always tuned to Judge Judy.

23. Your child may love rice or spaghetti. That’s great! But it’s messy: Only half of it ever gets into your child’s mouth. The other half winds up on the floor. Wait until it dries to try and clean it up. It’s much easier.

24.
Wait until your child goes to bed to pick up all the toys. If you try to pick up throughout the day, you’ll spend the entire day cleaning up. It will make you a very unhappy person.

25.
You may subscribe to the theory that television is awful for your child. You may decide not to let your child ever watch television. Good for you! But all the best intentions in the world may collapse at the prospect of an extra hour of sleep while your child watches “Sesame Street.” However, “Calliou” is Satan reincarnated as a whiny, bald Canadian brat. Avoid this show with your life.

26. Children have a very literal sense of humor. Not only do they not understand irony, they may not understand the art of telling a joke. They may assign the same punchline to every joke. For instance, if you tell this joke — “Knock knock?” “Who’s there?” “Lettuce?” “Lettuce who”? “Let us in, it’s cold out here! — your child may end every single knock knock joke for the next six months with “Let us in, it’s cold out here!” even if it is completely nonsensical. Play along. It’s adorable.

27. Taking a baby or toddler onto a plane means giving up every shred of your dignity. It means becoming that person you’ve always hated. It may be the most miserable day of your existence. But if it means getting your child to Florida where you mother will look after him for a few hours while you enjoy a quiet meal at the only restaurant in town, Applebees, then fuck ‘em. You won’t ever see the people on that plane again. Their misery is inconsequential in the face of the prospect of free childcare and a shitty piece of meat layered in gravy and cheese. This rule does not, however, apply to movie theaters. Don’t be a douche.

28. Speaking of movies: Different parents have different ideas about when is a good time to take their kid to the theater for the first time. Whenever you decide to do it, I suggest a Saturday afternoon matinee for kids’ films: There are a ton of kids and they’re all rowdy, so it hardly matters if your child is, too. However, keep a few things in mind: Movie theaters are dark. This may not mean anything to you, but young children may not want to sit in a dark room for an hour and a half, especially if they’re afraid of the dark. I also suggest arriving after the commercials and previews, not because the commercials are harmful to your child, but because if your kid has only ever been exposed to PBS programming, that Pepsi commercial where Drake takes a refreshing sip of Pepsi, turns into ice, and shatters may freak the shit out of your kid. “Daddy, why did that guy just explode? Will I explode if I drink that?”

29. Don’t feel obligated to sign your child up for everything, particularly if enrolling your child in a certain activity makes life more difficult for you. If you’re miserable transporting your kid around the city and watching them flop around on the floor in a tutu, that misery will be reflected in your child. If your kid doesn’t want to do piano lessons, don’t make the kid do piano lessons. If he bawls every time you take him to soccer practice, take him out of soccer. A happy parent means a happy child, and vice versa.

30.
Don’t listen to anyone. Other parents will dispense advice like candy (see: This post). Fuck ‘em. You’ll figure it out on your own. Somehow, we all do. Read the books, don’t read the books. Follow whatever parenting method you’d like, or no parenting method at all. Do whatever it takes to work. There’s a study that will validate everything you do, and another study to tell you what you’re doing is wrong. Just fucking love the kid like you’ve never loved anything, and everything will turn out well.


62 Comments


  1. When after 3 years of trying I fell pregnant I was over the moon! When I had my son I was happy! Druged up,but very happy. When the drugs wore off and we got home there were no little hearts and fireworks popping in my head.I had this little bunddle of scream to look after and when I didn’t feel like a sleep deprived organism I felt like a cow. And when the crying began I was thinking ‘oh crap’ not again. I felt like s”t and failure and then I felt like failure for feeling like failure. I soooo wanted to be a mum and I thought it comes naturally.Bullcrap! Now, 3 months later, I absolutely adore my little man and all the things I’ve learnt about being a parent I’ve learnt from him.And this site ;) And when a total stranger in a supermarket tells me ‘oh maybe he doesn’t like to be swaddled” I politely reply ” since you have made this your problem it’s now my problem to tell you that until he is big enough to tell me what he likes and doesn’t like he’ll just have to put up with what I think is best for him!!!

    • Maybe you could just get that “since you have made this your problem…” printed on a t-shirt which I’m guessing you could sell online and lots of people would wear the to the grocery to circumvent the stranger who jumps in with advice.

      -Thus sayeth the stranger who jumps in with advice;)
      Alexis recently posted..The Sleep Scandal of 2012My Profile

    • WOW! Couldn’t agree more! I was expecting fireworks, instead I got waterworks. I was expecting butterflies, instead I got poop that flies. I was expecting elation, instead I got contemplation (why the fuck did I do this to myself?). I expected a partner in crime, instead I got a partner I wanted to hit with a frying pan! Anyone who tells you that having a baby is beautiful and it will be the absolute best time of your life, obviously doesn’t have a clue! It’s the absolute toughest job I have ever done. lol Still despite everything, I still love my little man to pieces and can’t imagine my life without him in it! Great read!

  2. I love this!!! You are sort of a phenom to me Alexis!!!

    • Wow. This is hard because I love that you think I am a phenom. However it would be uncool of me not to tell you that I didn’t write it (see the box at the top) and the person who DID is much smarter and funnier than I am ;)
      Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.My Profile

      • Ya I read that after I posted the original reply! Hehe!

        I still think you are all kinds of fabulous! As do the many people I have sent your site to when they are complaining about non sleeping babies!!

        • That is very kind of you ;) Dustin is seriously funny where I’m just regular funny. Course I usually write with two preschoolers arguing about legos behind me so maybe I would be funnier if I wasn’t stopping every 5 minutes to repeat,”Let your brother have a turn!”

          ;)
          Alexis recently posted..The Sleep Scandal of 2012My Profile

  3. Awesome! My thoughts exactly!

    I am a first time mom to a 3 month old son and it’s definitely not as glamorous as it’s made out to be.

    Kudos for keeping it real!

    • I remember taking a long shower in a sleep-deprived fugue about 2 months after giving birth, looking at what was then a wreck of a body (literally a bloody jiggly mess) and thinking that I would gladly loose all my toes if it meant I could leave the crying and the no sleeping and just go to a hotel for just one blessedly quiet night.

      It get’s better but no – parenting a newborn is definitely not glamorous :)
      Alexis recently posted..I am the Official CIO Spokesperson. Apparently.My Profile

  4. Awesome post! I’m sharing it with my friends!

  5. Loved it. Spot on!

  6. This. Is. Hilarious.

  7. Love this line!!

    “Are you a good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.”

  8. 20. Related: Statistically speaking, your baby’s success in life is out of your control. Behavior economics shows the same thing consistently: What kind of parent you are is not as important as who you are in predicting a child’s socio-economic success. There are exceptions, of course, but overall, if you are affluent, your child will be affluent. If you went to college, your child will go to college. If you have a well-paying job, so will your child.

  9. Omg this is hilarious and SO true! I spenta lot of time smiling at all the arrogant advice of everyone who believed they knew my baby better than I ever could, then walking away thinking,”Sod off, tosser!”

    And that overscheduling nonsense craze going on right now–so glad to read someone talking some actual sense…sorry, I am not sacrificing my sanity in order to keep my child from ever having a spare moment in his entire week. I don’t care what anyone says; those ocassional lazy days of summer have a purpose, if for nothing else that when I kick him out of the house for the zillionth time he finally makes himself engage his creativity. (Fortunately this problem is rare; typically I am begging the universe to help me locate his “off” switch.)

    I wonder if some of these over scheduled children, at age 25, will they be still complaining to their parents how bored they are?

    • Man I wish I could co-opt the phrase “Sod off tosser!” without having people brutally tease me for pretending to be European. But seriously? Such a great awesome profanely cool thing to tell somebody. As an American I’m stuck with “F off” which frankly is mundane and leads to my kids dropping the F bomb.

      My kids already say “sheiza” which is only semi-acceptable as nobody knows what they mean.

      Also – am with you with the scheduling. Which isn’t so bad (yet) as we live in rural VT so frankly there just aren’t that many over scheduling opportunities. But lots of studies show that down time is when their brains process everything (ie real learning happens).
      Alexis recently posted..10 Baby Sleep QuestionsMy Profile

  10. Funny! And much of it so true. Although, #18 about cloth Diapers, I love my diaper service. The 50 cloth soiled cloth diapers that are kept in a special container aren’t any worse than the batch of soiled diapers in the Diaper Genie.. Which I find still gives off an odour. A poopy diaper, cloth or disposable … Is a poopy diaper.. Kind of like “same sh*t different pile”.

  11. I am a first time mother to a 4-month old baby girl..It is really difficult to manage your time when you do have a baby..you feel tired everyday, sometimes you feel paranoid when the baby cries so often..Sometimes you get to blame your partner for not cooperating, its like honeymoon is over, and all your attention go the baby..But I believe, we can get through this in due time. You can adjust as time passes by..By the way i like your thoughts about practical parenting.they were wrote honestly and based from your experiences..
    jeni recently posted..Adjuster License ReciprocityMy Profile

  12. Wilium Shatner

    Wow ! I must say you are true to the core .. Your points are very true … I love your blog …
    Wilium Shatner recently posted..HDMI Cable Reviews : Guide to Buying OneMy Profile

  13. Brilliant! Just brilliant!

    #18 My experience was kind of opposite… using cloth diapers (the pocket style ones) actually saved me from laundry as I found them to be absolutely leak-proof…
    I used several brands of throw aways they gave us as a promo and had to change clothes after every poop…

    I do have diapers to wash but I’m saved from all the blow-outs…

    #30 Totally agreed… I like to hear other people’s stories, but mostly as reference… at the end of the day I find that following my instinct works best…

    “May 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm reply”
    Really? You are American? Your writing style gave me the erroneous impression you were English… :)

    • Bugger it, do I sound British? Maybe it’s the fact that I like to use the phrase bullocks so much ;)

      Glad you had good experience with the cloth diapers. I was never brave enough to give them a go (huge upfront expense scared me off!).
      Alexis recently posted..Bedtime What Time?My Profile

  14. As the mother of an almost 3 month old, this speaks volumes to me! I love that you posted this! I was actually trying to write something similar, but this is wayyyy better than anything I could have come up with.

    My favorite one is

    “19. Stay-at-home mom? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Working mom? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Stay-at-home dad? Good for you, if someone judges you, tell them to fuck off. Whatever path you choose, never let yourself feel guilty for it. Are you a good person? Then your baby is going to be just fine.”

    It’s ridiculous, the second you decide to do something different than another mother you know, they judge you and you judge them… lol so I will use this advice and tell them to fuck off! :)

    • I had toyed with something similar too and then when I saw what Dustin wrote I realized that he wrote what I wanted to only smarter and funnier ;)
      Alexis recently posted..Cry it Out When and Why?My Profile

    • I Totally agree with you, it’s like damned if you do and damned if you don’t! Till the time I was at home 24/7 for my baby my parents didn’t mind at all because it was easy for them to just hand her over to me when she became fussy. But whenever during these 7 months my HOD has asked me to return to my Masters and he becomes agitated that I don’t turn up, I get the blame that I am too lazy to go or too disinterested to finish what I started… it’s infuriating every time till my husband tells me to do what I am comfortable with! Same goes for going by what I feel is right, every time I take my mother’s advice about the baby’s sleep or feeding time, her routine gets ruined, ultimately I have to lay down My law no matter how many egos I bruise in the bargain! Cheers! This article is such a relief…Thank you so much for sharing :)

  15. Brilliant!! As a mom of 2 boys (3 and 2months) I’ve had my fair share of catching projectile everything with my hands and have had more “f*off” moments then I can count!!!! One thing he forgets to mention is that everything that worked for your first child will, inevitably, fail for your subsequent children.

  16. Amazing! im laughing out loud i almost woke up my baby :) but really everything in that post is so true!
    thanks

  17. Totally agree with the comment about Calliou… sweet merciful crap that kid is annoying. Please believe me when I say not all Canadian kids are like that!! If I had acted like that little f**ker when I was a kid, I would have gotten a smack (that was when it was still okay to discipline your child with corporal punishment).
    Love the article and your web-site.
    Happily-None-Bratty Canadian mom

    • My own personal hell is Fireman Sam (a British TV show that nobody else in the US watches but my kids are obsessed with). The people in this town can’t barely function without Fireman Sam’s intervention. Not only is the show grating but really, after requiring rescue 1,000 times a year, the genetic code of the human race would be better off if Fireman Sam stopped rescuing. These people should not be breeding!
      Alexis recently posted..Weaning Baby Off the SwingMy Profile

  18. I have a sink full of dishes, every toy imaginable covering every surface of my house, peas litter my kitchen floor and I am two seconds away from tacking sheets over every mirror in the house, my baby decided she doesn’t have to nap now that she can sit up and CIO in her crib (is now sleeping hunched over) and I am starving. But reading this post was the best 15 minutes of my post baby life. So thank you.

  19. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
    This should be mandatory reading in every maternity ward in hospitals across the world!
    :)

  20. Wow! This is an extremely funny article! Made me laugh out loud throughout the whole thing :) well done dustin very funny indeed!
    So true, advice from everyone even total strangers :/ and that constant feeling of worry and lack of sleep!
    Alexis, your articles are a godsend though – very helpful :) thanks!

  21. This article is hilarious and so true!!! Every mum should read this!

  22. I’m a second time, stay at home mom with a 3 mo and a 19 1/2 mo and just stumbled across your site. I must say that “parenting philosophy” is such a load of crap and I love that you just put it out there. “Just do it” should be all the advice given, just go ahead and figure it out. The kid will be ok! Thank you for sharing this, I couldn’t agree more.

  23. Sorry, but anyone who says “colic is
    a myth” is someone who clearly has NOT experienced a colicky baby. It is NOT just crying “a lot”. Honestly, until you have experienced it, you have no f’in clue!-

  24. this is a fun article and i relate to so much of it. one thing though, hand, foot and mouth disease isn’t a big deal unless you’re pregnant. exposure to the virus can cause a miscarriage.

  25. Hello
    Thank you for an inspiring article. Some of the parenting tips I have been following are: celebrate achievements, trust and together time. I feel that those three rules will keep the family stress away and enhance the positivity between family members.
    Best Regards
    Melisa
    Melisa recently posted..Top 10 Essential Oils for Relaxation and Stress ReliefMy Profile

  26. Read this post while holding my 7 week old baby (who of course only likes to sleep on me or cosleep). Kept laughing out loud and disturbing her slumber, but I figure it’s ok given how much she disturbs my sleep and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

    This was hilarious and a nice break/read from the baby craziness. Some of his points exaggerated or maybe he should be taking things more “seriously”, but if we can’t joke and laugh about these baby days, we may never make it. :)

  27. Hilarious, insightful, inspiring and down right…er…common sensical! It’s refreshing and a nice vacation from worrying about SIDS, counting down to the second when I made a bottle because a moment over sixty minutes and I’ll fill my babies ever developing and growing belly with deadly bacteria…and let’s not forget…the brand and product wars. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an appointment with Dr. Google.

    Kidding! Thank you for sharing!

  28. Actually, SIDS does not increase with bedsharing.

    • *sigh*

      I try to steer really clear of touchy subjects like this. There is compelling evidence that people make unsafe bedsharing choices all the time and I’ve seen this personally a LOT. I also don’t think it’s so cool to totally disregard the AAP on this issue. So if you’re committed to bedsharing I strongly recommend you get a copy of Sleeping with Your Baby (McKenna) and do everything he says.
      Alexis recently posted..5 Things I Learned from Doing Sleep ConsultsMy Profile

  29. This list just made my day! I’ve got a 2 month old and am in the thick of alllllll of the topics on this site. So glad I found this for not only help BUT comic relief as well!

  30. The best advice I’ve been given: “all babies are different. They will never be/do anything like in those stupid books. Just be his mom.”

  31. Read this just now with my 7 week old sleeping in my arms (because she naps terribly when I put her down, that is if she doesn’t wake up immediately). I was laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face! After three consecutive bad sleep nights while my husband was out of town, I REALLY needed this!

    By the way, your website has been a lifesaver for us, made me more compassionate about my chronic cat napper/poor night sleeper/swing hater/swaddle hater. I’ll be trying more of your suggestions to see if we can improve our situation.

  32. Wow this is an awesome list and what a great comical relief. I am also reading this while carrying my sleeping 7 wk old in the carrier. Parenting is not easy at all but you just gotta do it and get through and appreciate it for what it is. Alexis I love you and your site, I am so glad I found this. You are an amazing and a very funny writer.

  33. bald Canadian brat . . . well i liked your site up until then ;)
    <3 Canadian mother of a very bald baby :P

  34. Thx for your wonderful insights on newborns. Having 2 children 9 and 3 late in life ( I am 54 ) you reminded me of those great parenting moments that nobody ever talks about in the movie or tv world. I believe the Brady Bunch is so dysfunctional it should be on tv. Whereas Married with Children is pretty close to reality. Both C section deliveries, my perfect daughter 0was first followed 5 years later by the “monster”…..my beautiful boy.
    Looking back im glad I had my single days but my life really had meaning once we had our kids. Love your work x

  35. I appreciated this post, but why the f-bomb? I don’t want to read that, especially when I least expect it in a baby post. Seriously.

  36. Hi Alexis!

    Love your blog, I finally got some sleep even with my six months old who have been keeping me awake since he is born. Only because I was doing everything wrong, of course… reason why I see you as a superwoman who came on earth to help sleep deprived mum all over the world (I am French, living in Australia). Anyway, my question is: do you know the consequences of sleep depravation at such a young age? Is sleeping better just make it smoother for mummy and baby, or is it a health issue unknown by the government? Hopefully you’ll have time to answer to me :)

    Thank you for everything again :)
    Maud and baby Henri

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